


spoiler (do not allow me to forget you)

by of_dream



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, also au! where jongin is korea's most loved actor, and taemin is a classical musician dressing like a rockstar, but has to deal with these two instead, chanyeol and jongdae are just two very tired scientists, or was it a meet-cute situation idk, so cue meet-cute situation, trying to get through the night shifts peacefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_dream/pseuds/of_dream
Summary: After a painful breakup, Jongin and Taemin decided to hire Lacuna, a professional service to erase each other from their memories. Jongin thinks that's what he wants, until he has to witness those memories slowly unravel before him and he discovers how they're still deeply in love with each other - and no matter how bad their ending was, they might still have the chance to save their relationship as long as they still have the memories.So they attempt to escape the procedure - but it might be too late when the people from Lacuna finds out what they're trying to do and starts chasing them through the maze of their memories.alternatively; eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but taekai.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin
Comments: 40
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been a few months since the last time he’s staying at this house, Jongin thinks, as he browses his collection of jackets and picks one that is less flashy. He’d been staying in the apartment provided by his agency - smacked right in the middle of the city’s entertainment district so it could accommodate his busy schedules hopping from one broadcasting station to the other. He doesn’t even clearly remember the last time he stayed here, and maybe that’s why this house to him feels like a distant part of his memory. It’s almost like visiting someone else’s house, when he entered this house last night, and the moment he laid himself on his bed, he felt so uncomfortable as if he’s not supposed to be sleeping there.

He doesn’t even know why he decided to come here after the function last night - he remembers making a sharp turn on his way to the apartment just because he suffered an inexplicable feeling of homesickness. He’d thought that maybe it’s because he’s missed this house, but with how the house even feels unfamiliar to him, he doesn’t even know anymore.

It’s kind of sad to realize that he has two houses he can come back to but neither of them feels like home to him.

Jongin winces as he opens the gate and the cold autumn winds sweep across his face. He should’ve worn a mask, but he’s too lazy to go up to his room again. This house is located in a pretty secluded neighbourhood anyway, where everyone’s too busy to take notice of the passersby that it won’t be a problem even though he’s walking around without any disguise. He’s just going to a coffee shop a few blocks down the road, and it’s still pretty early for people to be walking around on a Saturday.

“Seriously?” 

A voice interrupts his thought and Jongin stops walking. It’s not in Korean, Jongin realizes a second later, but he can understand it anyway because he knows basic Japanese. He shifts his gaze to find a person standing in front of the exact coffee shop he’s looking for - the coffee shop that is apparently closed for today, Jongin assumes, as he sees a chalkboard stand blocking the way in front of the entrance.

“Is it closed?” Jongin instinctively asks in Korean, and as he realized that he probably should’ve said it in Japanese, the person turns to face him.

“Ah, yes, it’s closed for today,” the person, a man probably several years younger than Jongin, answers in perfect Korean, smiling regretfully at him. 

Jongin’s thoughts stop for a second - with an all-black ensemble of stylish leather jacket, ripped skinny jeans and heeled leather boots, a medium short blond hair tucked behind his ears showing off at least five piercings and a jawline so sharp it could cut skin and make him bleed, the man should look intimidating but his eyes are sparkling with warmth and when he smiles, his cheeks became full and it’s so earnest that Jongin can’t help but let his guard down.

And he’s really _beautiful_.

“That’s too bad,” Jongin smiles back. “I was really looking forward to trying their drinks.”

“You’ve never been here before?” the man asks again, but before Jongin could answer he quickly adds, “Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to be familiar.”

Jongin lets out a small laugh at that. “No, no, it’s okay,” Jongin dismisses his concern with a wave of his hand, “I've been here before but it’s been a while I don’t remember what I had. I mean, I don't even drink coffee.” 

The man laughs - and even though Jongin doesn’t really find it funny, he can't help the warmth that spreads inside his chest the moment he hears it. He has a really nice laugh - not just the way he sounds but also how his teeth are perfectly aligned and it’s so square and round that it instantly gives him a kind and approachable impression once he opens his mouth. Jongin almost feels sad when he slightly covers his mouth with the back of his hand while he continues laughing - _almost_.

“Then why are you even here?” he asks once he calms down, the remnant of his laughter still visible in the wide smile on his lips, “This place is literally a roastery.”

“Maybe they have good hot chocolate?” Jongin suggests, touching the back of his neck and slightly wincing as he realizes that he must’ve sounded weird.

“That’s a weird expectation to have for a roastery,” the man chuckles. “But they do have good selections of tea though, if you like them.”

Jongin feels a strange relief hearing that. “That’s good to hear, I’ll probably try to come here again when they’re open.”

“You really should,” the man says, a smile still gracing his face. It’s refreshing, Jongin thinks, to meet someone who doesn’t instantly freak out when they see him and is instead treating him just like another stranger, and Jongin feels thankful to this man.

“Um, I have to go, so,” the man looks at Jongin, his gaze stays for a few seconds and Jongin doesn’t say anything, just staring back at him. “See you around, I guess? Maybe when this place opens we will meet each other again.”

Jongin thinks that they’ll probably never see each other again since he doesn’t even really live here, but still he smiles and gives him a slight wave. “Sure, see you around.”

The man smiles again as he waves back before he turns around and walks away from the coffee shop. Jongin is still standing there, watching his retreating figure and he wonders, why does he feel sad seeing the sight? He should turn around and go back to his house, but he can’t move. He doesn’t know why - the man is indeed beautiful but it’s not like Jongin at all to be interested in someone just because they’re pretty - still he _really_ wants to call him, asks for his name, properly asks him if he wants to hang out together sometime -

The man stops walking and Jongin stops breathing - he turns around and Jongin knows he should also turn around so that the man wouldn’t know that Jongin has been watching him, but he really wants to see his face, even for just one more time, so he stays. 

And when the man looks at him again, he doesn’t show it if he looks surprised. He just smiles and waves before turning around again, disappearing from Jongin’s line of sight as he turns left around the corner.

Jongin can’t help but smile, albeit with a twinge of melancholy tugging at his heart. 

Maybe another time.

* * *

Jongin is trying to find an empty space to park his car - he’s visiting his go-to private library after waking up from the weirdest dream he’s had in awhile. He doesn’t clearly remembers the detail, but he dreams of the coffee shop he visited this morning. He remembers the sweet smell of chocolate and citrus, the pleasant voice of Nina Simone crooning to his ear, the sweet taste of a delicious mille crepe - hell, he even got a phantom feeling of a soft hand linking with his, accompanied by a coffee-scented breath tickling his neck. It feels so vivid as if it’s from his own memories, but Jongin knows it’s just another wistful thinking of his.

Jongin takes another deep breath as he finally parks his car, mulling over whether to wear his mask or not. He really doesn’t want to deal with anyone recognizing him right now, but no one really knows that he frequents this place. This place is like his secret escape and it’s exclusively for members, so they don’t really have random people just hanging around. 

The receptionist greets him, welcoming and motioning him to go inside without even asking him to show his card - Jongin visited this place frequently enough, like at least once a week, that everyone who works here already knows that he’s a regular. He goes straight to his favourite section on the mezzanine level, looking around for some travel books he can spend his afternoon with. The library is huge and houses a phenomenal collection of travel books from all over the world. Jongin always loses track of his time whenever he’s here, and at least for a while, here he can shut out his brain from anything that’s not the book he’s reading.

He’s browsing on the travel photography section when he notices someone sitting on one of the chairs on the long table on the ground floor. A tower of at least seven books almost obscures their face from the view but Jongin can recognize the side profile and his heart literally stops beating for a second. 

Typically he wouldn’t remember someone he met just briefly, not to mention a stranger, but this time, he’s certain it’s the man from this morning.

He smiles at the coincidence - he had thought earlier to come back to the coffee shop again tomorrow morning and not just because he’s still curious about the place but also because he kind of wants to see the man again. There’s no guarantee that the man will even be there, but that’s the only option that Jongin had when he didn’t even catch his name.

Jongin contemplates on whether to greet him or not - especially since the man seems to be buried in the pile of books he’s reading. He decides to just wait and choose a book himself, taking a seat at a table where he can still have a good view of the ground floor. 

He’s almost twenty pages in when he shifts his gaze to the man again, and his heart sinks when he's not there anymore. Even the books are gone, and Jongin can feel another wave of regret washed over him - did he really just miss another chance? He's not sure why he's so bummed about it - what does he really want from the man? It’s not like Jongin can just casually get a _meet cute_ situation like what he had in some of his movies - he doesn't have that privilege, not when he’s not a stranger to most of the people here. 

But he remembers their first meeting this morning, how the man just casually laughed at him as if he’s just another weird stranger and not someone whose face is plastered on the big billboards all over the country, and how hearing his laughter had made him happy. 

He just wants to feel it again, really, Jongin thinks, as he weakly slumps his head on the table. Maybe the universe is punishing him for pushing away his friends for the past few months and says that no, Jongin, you don’t get to meet new people just to push them away again.

“I thought I was imagining things but it’s really you.” 

_Are you kidding me._

Jongin raises his head so fast he can almost feel his neck snapping, and he can’t help the fast beating of his heart when he sees the man he’s been so embarrassingly emotional for smiling at him.

“What are you looking so morose for?” he asks, his hand resting on the chair across Jongin. “Can I sit down?”

Jongin quickly nods and gestures to him to sit down. “Of course, please.”

“Thanks,” the man says, still smiling as he pulls the chair and sits down. “What are the odds that we’re meeting again so soon? Are you actually following me?” he asks, a teasing smile forming on his lips and Jongin can’t help but laughs at that.

“What if I tell you I am?” Jongin teases back, smiling as he leans back on his chair.

“I don’t know,” the man smiles back. “Maybe first I need to figure out why I failed to notice that I have a sasaeng following me - wait, I’m using that word right, right? Sasaeng? Obsessive fans?”

Jongin laughs at that. “Yes, yes, it’s the right word,” he says, and the way the man looks so pleased with himself is really adorable. “Are you not Korean? I do remember that you spoke Japanese the first time I saw you.”

“Ah no, I’m Korean but I was born and raised in Japan,” he explains and continues with almost a shy look. “I still mostly work and live there so sometimes I forgot which language I should speak.” 

“I see,” Jongin remarks with a smile as he looks closely at him, trying to memorize every little detail of his face - his small pointed nose, his warm eyes with their brilliant brown orbs, the endearingly odd shape of the upper part of his lips, the little moles on the side of his nose, under his mouth, slightly below his eyebrow, on his jaw - Jongin has to hold his breath because _wow, he’s truly beautiful_. 

Jongin might be really experiencing what people called love at first sight.

It’s cheesy and Jongin swears that he’s usually not a person who’ll fall just for a pretty face, but this time, even he cannot deny the way his heart beating as if it’s trying to break of his rib cage and the flutters in his stomach that’s making him giddy and excited.

“By the way, I’m Taemin,” the man says, holding out his hand to Jongin. Jongin smiles as he takes his hand on his, and it’s so soft despite some slight calluses on his fingertips. He must be really taking good care of his hands.

“Taemin,” Jongin tries to say his name and he likes the way it rolls out of his tongue - finally he has a name attached to the face. “Hi Taemin, nice to meet you.”

Taemin cocks his head _cutely_ , eyebrows raised as he narrows his eyes at Jongin. “And? You’re not going to give me your name?”

“Ah,” Jongin can’t help but smiles - this is interesting, “you don’t know my name?” 

Taemin looks at him weirdly. “Should I? Have we met before?”

“No, we haven’t met,” Jongin shakes his head with a smile. “My name is Jongin. Kim Jongin.”

“Kim Jongin?” he repeats his name, and Jongin never thought that he needed to hear his name being said with that voice but now, he thinks he’ll want to hear it as often as he can. “It sounds nice and it fits you.” 

“Um, thanks?” Jongin can feel the heat growing to his cheeks - that kind of compliment is so random but it’s really cute. “Your name fits you too, Taemin.” 

“Thanks,” Taemin chuckles. “I just realized it’s a very weird compliment but well, Jongin, what makes you think I’d know your name?” Taemin asks as he lets go of Jongin’s hand, but the smile never leaves his face and Jongin wonders if he’s always like this – easy to smile even to a stranger like him.

“Um, well, this is embarrassing but people usually know me?” Jongin offers a small smile, and the teasing glint returns to Taemin’s smile upon hearing that.

“Really? Why is that? Are you famous or something?”

“I guess so?” Jongin grins. “I’m an actor.”

“Really??” Taemin’s eyes widen slightly. “No wonder you look so handsome.”

“Do I?” Jongin asks teasingly.

“Save it, you know you do,” Taemin says playfully as he pushes himself back to lean on his chair. “Please don’t think I’m a creep though, I kind of felt that you look familiar but I really had no idea who you were.”

Jongin laughs again. “So I guess you’re not really into watching movies?”

“My genre in movies is a bit peculiar,” Taemin smiles sheepishly, “but what are your famous roles? Maybe I know some!”

“Well I mostly play the male lead on romance movies so chances are you probably skipped them,” Jongin grins as he sees Taemin wincing, “but I was a supporting actor for that one movie about North Korean deserters that got an Oscar nomination for best picture.”

“Oh my God, it’s that story about a bunch of ballet dancers who tried to escape while they’re joining an international competition, right?” Taemin exclaims excitedly, and his eyes widened for a second before he adds, “Wait, were you playing the mute ballerino?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“No way! You got nominated for the best actor award at Cannes, right? I can’t believe I couldn’t recognize you, I was there at the Cannes too - that’s how I know your movie.”

“Oh?” Jongin perks up at the information. “Were you there for the film festival?”

“Yeah, my work was nominated too,” Taemin grins. “I’m a musician.”

Apparently now it’s Jongin’s turn to be surprised. “Don’t tell me you’re a famous rockstar and I’m also embarrassing myself by not knowing you.”

Taemin laughs again at that. “I don’t think I’m famous, no, my audience is very niche,” Taemin says with a smile. “But I like it, I can still walk around without people noticing me.”

“Trust me, people will notice you anyway,” Jongin smiles teasingly at him. “And you’re downplaying yourself - your work was recognized at the Cannes.”

Taemin just shrugs but still there’s a grin on his face. “Well, I guess compared to mr. popular actor here, I’m not so bad myself.”

“Shut up,” Jongin playfully chides him. “So we were at the same place three years ago but we didn’t actually meet.”

“Yeah, weird, right? I remember wanting to chat with the cast of your movie and congratulate you but something happened I guess,” Taemin smiles almost wistfully. “But at least we got to chat now.” 

“Better late than never,” Jongin smiles back. “So, what brings you to Korea?”

“I have been visiting Seoul regularly to visit my family, but this time it’s also for work,” he explains. “The Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra is hosting me for a few weeks so I will be playing for them this month. Do you like to watch classical concerts?”

“It’s been a while, but I like to watch them from time to time,” Jongin smiles. “Though I will certainly see if I can get to one of your showings.” 

“That’s great!” Taemin exclaims with an excited grin. “I will be playing Chopin for most of the performances so if you have time to watch, you might see a more melancholic side of me on stage,” he adds while trying to imitate a somber expression, and Jongin lets out a small laugh, thinking that Taemin is one of those people that are effortlessly adorable.

And it’s unbelievably exciting to discover more and more about him from their conversations.

Despite Jongin’s initial assessment, Taemin is actually six months older than Jongin. He mostly lives in Tokyo but he frequently travels to Seoul because his parents have moved back and live here. Aside from Korean and Japanese, he’s also fluent in English and knows Spanish and French enough to be able to make conversation. He’s classically trained but later realized that he likes to experiment with his music and work on diverse kinds of genres - and he has a Grammy award and four nominations in total so he’s kind of a _big deal_ in the music scene. He can play most instruments but his main one is piano. He did film composing once for an indie Spanish movie which earned him the Cannes nomination. He doesn’t really drink but he prefers beer and soju over anything else. Sometimes sake or whisky if the mood is right.

And while in Seoul, he’ll be staying in his apartment which is _conveniently_ located in the same neighborhood as Jongin’s house in Pyeongchang. 

Maybe Jongin will have to change his plan and stay in his house for a little while.

And as they talked, he can’t help but being drawn to Taemin’s earnestness - he’s listening so attentively to whatever Jongin is saying as if they’ve known each other for a long time and when it’s his turn to talk, he’s smiling the whole time as he proudly talks about what he’s doing. His eyes are full of wonder and excitement and it makes Jongin curious to understand how the world is seen from those eyes.

If Jongin hadn't fallen for him before, by this time he’d surely be.

“I’ll have to go to meet the SPO folks in a few minutes so unfortunately I’ll have to leave,” Taemin smiles at him. “But I’m really glad we talked - I’m usually very shy with new people but it’s nice to have a chat with you.”

“I feel the same way,” Jongin smiles back. “Any chance you’ll want to have a chat again someday?”

Taemin grins as he takes out his phone and gives it to Jongin with a new contact page on the screen. Jongin smiles, but he winces as he realizes that he doesn't have his own number memorized so he has to take out his own phone to look at his own number.

“We’re literally the same, I can never remember my own phone number,” Taemin chuckles. “My memory is the worst.”

Jongin laughs at that. “I’m glad that you remember my face from this morning, then.”

“As if I could forget the weird man who looks for a nice hot chocolate in a roastery,” Taemin smiles teasingly at him, and Jongin pouts at him but Taemin just grins. “And of course, how could I forget such a handsome face.”

“Shut up,” Jongin mutters with a shy smile as he gives the phone back to Taemin, who’s still looking at him with his beautiful eyes. 

There’s really something about the way Taemin is looking at him – Jongin literally cannot look away even though he feels a little bit nervous since the start. Jongin is not so clueless that he can’t understand the interest and curiosity in Taemin’s eyes, and he’s 100% sure Taemin can also clearly see that Jongin is having a crush on him. 

“So, Jongin,” Taemin says as he stands up, typing something on his phone and Jongin can see that his own phone lights up with a new message from an unknown number, “let’s meet again.”

Jongin wants to make the plan as soon as possible - can they meet for dinner tonight? or maybe for breakfast tomorrow morning? Is that too soon? And what if Taemin is busy and he has plans? Jongin doesn’t even know what is an appropriate thing to do - never before in his life that he wanted to date a stranger he just met for a few hours.

“Yeah,” Jongin decides to just hold himself back, “now that I have your number, we can plan it.” 

“But meeting you coincidentally like this is nice too,” Taemin says with a grin on his handsome face and Jongin heart is aching with how much he’s longing to get closer to him, “it feels like fate.”

Jongin then thinks of Taemin’s presence that somehow felt so familiar to him, as if he’s something that’s been missing in his life this whole time, and he’s drawing him in with an unexplainable force that probably could only be explained as fate.

So, Jongin can only smile back. “Yeah, maybe it’s really fate.”

* * *

Jongin spent a few more hours in the library before he realized that it’s already past six and maybe it’s time for him to find dinner since he didn’t even have lunch. He texted his sister to see if she’s free to have dinner with him, and in the end they agreed to meet at Jongin’s favourite restaurant. 

Jongin had just arrived at the restaurant and was waiting for his sister at the more secluded part of the busy restaurant, when his phone lit up with a new message from Taemin. Jongin can feel a surge of excitement as if he’s a middle-schooler just receiving a text from his crush.

Well, technically he is receiving a text from his crush, he thinks to himself, as he quickly clicks on the notification.

Taemin is sending him a picture of a billboard ad of him - it’s a huge one in front of the Mall at the city center and Jongin can’t help but cringe because he really looks obnoxious in that one. His heart almost stops though, when suddenly Taemin is typing on the chat.

_Apparently you really are famous~_

Jongin smiles at that, and he types back - 

_What, you think I was just bluffing?_

_Of course not~ After all with that face it’s impossible for you to not be famous  
_

_So you’re implying I’m famous just because of my face? :(_

_Well, I’ve only watched one of your movies so I can’t really judge your acting capabilities yet~ Have any recommendations of your other movies that I should watch?_

Jongin grins - like what Taemin had said himself, Taemin looks like a shy type so he’s surprised to find him to be playful - but now that Jongin thinks about it, it’s probably the first time in a while for him too that he’s actually texting someone so informally about something that is not about work - and with someone who’s not one of his few friends and family. He’s usually shy and reserved too so as weird as it is, Taemin is actually a really nice change of pace. He’s about to reply with some suggestions when another message pops out.

_Or, maybe we can watch together? ;)_

Jongin’s grin turns into laughter - he doesn’t really understand why but he feels so amused - like, what’s with that awkward wink? Is he really flirting with Jongin? 

_Only if you take me out for dinner first._

_And only if we can watch your performance too._

Taemin doesn’t answer for a while, and Jongin is about to message his sister when he sees that Taemin sends him a YouTube video. 

_While I’m sorting out my schedule so I can properly ask you out for dinner (it’s a date), this is one of my favourite pieces I’ve ever written._

_Please watch carefully and let me know what you think~_

_I have to go now so I’ll talk to you later!_

Jongin smiles - he types out an ‘ok’ before he reaches out for his airpods. 

The video Taemin sent him is titled ‘Taemin - Solitary Goodbye (Live at Budokan)’, and it has Taemin with his hair down, wearing a sheer white oversized shirt and what appears like black tight leather pants and black combat boots as he sits on a black grand piano on a stage as a thumbnail. Even the way he sits is so graceful, and as Jongin clicks the thumbnail and it enlarges, his heart stops because it suddenly shows a close-up of Taemin’s side profile.

Taemin looked so beautiful here - he looked almost like an angel with his hair in lighter blonde than what he has now, and the sheer white shirt, despite being half-unbuttoned and showing his long neck and pale chest, had actually made him look pure and innocent. He’s alone on the dark stage, and the way the single blue stage light washed over him really mystified his presence. He also had candles lit up on both sides of his piano, and Jongin almost wants to screenshot every frame because it looks like a piece of performance art already.

And then the camera panned to Taemin’s small fingers as it started to fleetingly press on the piano keys and Jongin literally lost his breath. 

It started slow, almost like Taemin was softly caressing the keys, and he kept the pace flowing slowly, so slow that Jongin could almost feel the sound in his skin, like how winds softly played with his hair. Taemin's fingers were so pretty as they danced flawlessly across the keys - Jongin can play the piano himself so he knows exactly how skilfull Taemin is with the amount of emotional control he has to be able to keep playing at that kind of pace. 

The pace then increased abruptly that Jongin can't help being swept away by it - his heart races as Taemin's fingers moved so fast as if he's possessed - and when it peaked he doesn't know why but it hurts so much and then Taemin stopped for a second, looking as if he's out of breath. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and his fingers moved again with his initial gentleness, as if trying to soothe the pain he knew that he's inflicting on everyone. He kept playing like that, sometimes getting his pace out of control for a while before he controlled it again, and when he finished, Jongin couldn't stop a single tear that fell from his eye.

It was magnificent.

He knows already that Taemin isn't an ordinary musician - putting the awards aside, he can feel a certain confident aura around Taemin, a sense that he's facing someone who exactly knows what he's doing and is proud of it. But he didn't think that Taemin would be this good, that he literally had Jongin hooked since the first second and then how easily he swayed Jongin's feelings with his music. He didn’t even get a chance to fawn over Taemin’s ethereal look on the video - he was totally hypnotized by the music and the way Taemin’s fingers danced across the piano.

He’s about to replay the video again when suddenly someone is hugging him and his phone almost fell out of his hand - apparently he’s so focused on watching it and he failed to notice that his sister and her daughter already arrived.

“Jonginnie,” his niece, the little girl who’s currently hugging him, asks as she looks up to see Jongin’s face, “what are you watching?”

“Hi sweetie,” Jongin hugs her back and brings her up to sit on his lap, “I’m just watching a video of my friend.”

“Is Moonkyu having a new single?” His sister asks as she takes the seat across Jongin, “You look as if you’re in between feeling proud and wanting to cry.” 

“No, it’s not Moonkyu,” Jongin smiles at her, taking out his airpods from his ears. “I’m watching -”

“You’re watching Taeminnie?” his niece suddenly chirps as she looks at Jongin’s phone screen, “Is he your friend?”

“Taeminnie?” Jongin raises his eyebrows as he looks at his sister, who just shrugs her shoulder. “Do you know Taemin?” he asks his niece.

“Taeminnie is my first love,” she says excitedly. “He's so handsome, right?”

Jongin frowns upon hearing that. “I thought I am your first love.”

“Duh, Jonginnie is handsome and I love you too but I don’t love you like I love Taeminnie,” she answers with a serious exasperated expression and Jongin just ruffles her hair fondly.

“What does a seven year old know about love,” Jongin chuckles and then he shifts his gaze to his sister, who lets out a sigh.

“You know that she's been taking piano class for the past few weeks, right?” his sister starts, “It's because she saw him on television last month and she's been obsessed with him ever since.”

Jongin laughs at that. “That's so sweet.”

“Yeah, wait until you see my YouTube homepage right now, it's all about Taemin,” his sister sighs again. “But I didn't know you're friends with him, that seems quite random.”

“Ah yes, we just met by accident recently,” Jongin starts with a chuckle as he explains. “We got to talk and apparently we kind of got along pretty well.”

His sister doesn’t say anything for a while and just stares at him as if trying to figure him out, and just as Jongin is about to ask her what’s up with her, his heart stops for what feels like the thousandth time today.

There’s a group of people just coming to enter the private room of the restaurant, and Taemin is among them.

This is almost scary, Jongin thinks, how they accidentally meet again for the third time today, and if this is the universe playing jokes with him, then Jongin really wants to fight whoever playing with his heart’s strings like this.

“Mom! Taeminnie is here!” his niece suddenly exclaims, and before Jongin could react, Taemin is already looking at them and Jongin can see the exact moment his eyes widened when he realizes that Jongin is here too.

His friends seem to realize it too, because they all stop to look at Jongin’s table before Taemin seems to talk to them, and a few seconds later, Taemin is actually walking towards their table.

“Hi, Jongin-ah,” he greets him, “what a pleasant surprise seeing you here.”

“Hi, Taemin-ah,” Jongin greets him back. “Yeah, I’m having dinner with my sister and my niece.”

Taemin then turns to Jongin’s sister and bows slightly as they exchange pleasantries - Jongin can hear his sister apologizing and Taemin kindly assures her that it’s okay - and then he moves closer to Jongin’s side before slightly crouching down to greet Jongin’s niece. 

“And who is this pretty girl who calls my name?”

Jongin’s niece suddenly hides her face on Jongin’s chest and clutching his fingers tighter to Jongin’s shirt. Taemin then looks at Jongin, and Jongin offers him a small smile.

“She’s being shy,” his sister suddenly speaks and Taemin shifts his gaze to look at her. “She is a big fan of you and we were just talking about how she started taking piano lessons because of you.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Taemin smiles, “I always like girls who can play piano well.”

“You do?” His niece asks as she slowly turns his face to look at Taemin.

“Yeah!” Taemin smiles brightly and Jongin can’t look away. “So, can I get your name?”

“My name is Reina,” his niece says shyly.

“What a pretty name, it suits a pretty girl you,” Taemin says, and he briefly shifts his gaze to look at Jongin and grins before he looks at his niece again. “So, Reina, practice your piano lesson diligently, okay?”

His niece nods again but then she quickly hides her face again on Jongin’s chest. Taemin chuckles at that and then he looks up to see Jongin and smiles.

“I’m having dinner with the folks from SPO,” he explains, “it’s really nice to see you here, Jongin-ah.”

“Yeah,” Jongin breathes out - he just realizes that this is the closest they’ve been all day and this close he can even smell the hint of coffee from Taemin’s breath.

“I have to get back to them so I’ll text you later, kay?” Taemin grins as he stands up, and Jongin can only smile back and nods as he sees Taemin bowing slightly to his sister before walking away to his table.

“What’s with that?” his sister suddenly asks and Jongin frowns at her.

“What do you mean?” Jongin asks her while letting go of his niece who decides to go back at his mother and sits with her.

“You and Taemin,” his sister explains while helping her daughter to climb on the seat beside her. “You don’t look like friends at all,” she adds as she looks back at Jongin.

“Really?” Jongin winces. “Well, actually we're not that close yet, I mean we just knew each other very recently.”

His sister doesn’t say anything for a while and she just looks at Jongin with a blank expression. 

“Noona,” Jongin pouts at her, “you know it’s scary when you don’t say anything like that.”

“I don’t have anything to say,” his sister finally says with a shrug. “Anyway, have you talked with Mom recently? She misses you, you know.”

Jongin ends up talking about his work with his sister, while she updates him about their family. Jongin is very close with both his Mom and his sisters, but somehow recently he’s finding it hard to talk with them regularly without letting them know that he’s been having a sort-of midlife crisis. He definitely doesn’t want to make them worried, and in the end he ended up avoiding talking to them and now there’s a distance between them that wasn’t there before.

Maybe when he felt those inexplicable homesickness, he just missed his family.

And as he’s listening to his niece excitedly talking about her piano class and how she’s actually really looking up to Taemin, Jongin thinks maybe him meeting Taemin is really a work of some invisible force in the universe and not just for him to feel something in his heart again, but to actually think more about the important things in his life outside his career.

“About you and Taemin,” his sisters suddenly asks when they’re waiting for the bills - his niece is already asleep in Jongin's arms, “you like him, don’t you?”

Jongin smiles sheepishly at her, “is it that obvious?”

“I know you better than anyone,” she says, “so it’s pretty obvious to me.”

“Well, yeah,” Jongin nervously touches the back of his neck as he admits, “it’s just a crush though, nothing serious.”

“Jongin,” she smiles at him kindly, “it’s okay even if it’s serious. I know it’s difficult with both of you being public figures, but you can rely on people around you for help and support.”

Jongin nods and offers her a small smile - if she knows that they literally just met each other this morning, she would've thought differently but Jongin currently doesn't want to think too much so he doesn't even try to explain.

“For you to actually have the same crush with Reina though, that’s something I’d never expected,” she adds with a teasing smile. “You’re more similar than I thought.”

Jongin laughs at that. “Yeah, now we know she’ll grow up to be awesome like me.”

They separate after Jongin carries his niece to his sister’s car - and also after promising to be more in touch with her. Jongin goes back to his car, and as he starts his engine, his phone lights up with a message from Taemin. 

_Jongin-ah_

_What are you doing after this?_

Jongin smiles - he had thought that he’d chat Taemin once he’s back home, probably asking for more performance recommendations.

_I’m planning to go back home_

_Maybe I’ll watch more videos of your performance before going to sleep_

_The one you sent earlier blew me away, by the way_

There’s not even a second before Taemin replies to his message.

_Ahhh I’m so happy you like it ~_

_It’s my newest piece and a little bit different from my usual piece, but I pour my heart and soul into it_

_Yeah, I can really feel your feelings, I guess?_

_Really? How so?_

Jongin thinks for a moment - he can’t really explain it but the reason why he unconsciously cried by the end of the song is because he can vividly feel as if the song is representing what he feels - nostalgic and wistful for a memory that’s not even his. 

_Well, actually I can only let you know how it makes me feel_

_How??? Please let me know~_

_Haha, okay, okay_

_It’s as if I’m feeling nostalgic for some happy memories in my life, but it never actually happened? Like, I remember the feeling, the happiness, but the moment I try to recall it, it’s all crumbling down and I feel like I’m desperately trying to get hold of it but I can’t?_

Jongin re-reads the message once more before he hits send - it’s weird being so open to someone he just met several hours ago, but watching Taemin’s performance, he felt as if Taemin just bared his soul to him and he somehow wants to reciprocate and do the same.

It’s been several minutes and Taemin hasn’t replied to the message, and Jongin starts to double guess his action when finally he replies.

_Jongin-ah_

_Take me away?_

Jongin doesn’t even think when he turns his engine off and get out of his car, and he doesn’t even know why he has to run but he does anyway and by the time he’s realizing what he’s doing, he’s already inside the restaurant again, panting a little bit as he stops right at Taemin’s table.

Taemin who’s eyes widened as he sees Jongin and Jongin can’t really understand why his heart beats crazily as it is now - how is it possible that he feels so much for someone he barely knew is beyond him but seeing Taemin like this, with his emotions dancing on those mesmerizing eyes, Jongin gets the courage to accept what he feels.

“Taemin-ah,” Jongin calls to him, “can you leave now?”

Taemin still looks at him as if he’s just grown two heads - now that Jongin thinks about it, Taemin probably didn’t meant it in a literal sense when he asked Jongin to take him away - but before his doubts could settle in, Taemin stands up and smiles at him.

“Of course, Jongin-ah,” he says warmly, and then he shifts his gaze to his group of friends, which Jongin just realized is looking at him with a mix of disbelief, confusion, and bewilderment.

And Jongin just realizes that he’s currently making a scene - they're like ten people in Taemin's group and his weird action will probably end up in social media, and he gets a slight panic but Taemin just calmly smiles at him and somehow it works to calm him down. 

“Sorry guys, I have another meeting with my friend here,” Taemin says to them, “it’s for a project that isn’t confirmed yet right now so can you please keep this a secret for a while?”

His friends nod in agreement and when they look at Jongin again, Jongin throws them his professional smile. 

“Thank you for understanding,” he says as he bows slightly, “sorry I have to take Taemin away from you.”

Taemin laughs at that, and before he could say anything else, he’s tugging at Jongin’s arm, pulling him away from the restaurant.They stop once they’re outside, and Taemin is looking up at Jongin - Jongin just realized that there’s a slight height difference between them and somehow it makes his heart beats even faster.

He’s really helpless, isn’t he.

“Really, Kim Jongin,” Taemin starts, his lips pursed as if he’s pouting but his eyes twinkle with amusement, “for an actor you’re really bad at hiding your emotions.”

Jongin slightly panics, “Am I really being too obvious?”

“Kind of? Who even carries their hearts on their sleeves like you?” 

This close, Jongin can see himself reflected in Taemin’s beautiful eyes and he wants nothing but to drown in it but shit, his inability to mask his feelings has really gotten him in trouble this time. “Did I mess everything up?” Jongin asks, hoping that even if Taemin isn’t interested in him that way, he would at least give him a chance for being a friend.

Taemin doesn’t answer right away – he looks fondly at Jongin and Jongin knows instantly that he’s not in trouble, even though the way his heart is beating crazily right now might be a sign of another trouble coming up.

“If you did,” Taemin finally says, a bit shy but there’s a grin on his handsome face, “I wouldn’t even ask you to take me away in the first place.”

Jongin cannot help but grinning back – he’s totally nervous but Taemin seems happy and it’s very contagious. Still, he needs to ask, “I’m not making you uncomfortable?”

“Why should I be? It’s not like you’re making any inappropriate advances towards me. You’re just so easy to read, that’s all,” he smiles again. “And then again, I am biased because you are hot and exactly my type so yeah, I’m more flattered than uncomfortable.”

Jongin stares. He’s just out of words. Taemin is just… unexpected. He doesn’t know how to respond because this isn’t something he’d experienced, not even in his strangest romance movies.

“Okay.” Jongin takes a deep breath. He looks straight at Taemin, who is just smiling at him and seems amused with his reaction. But there’s no mischief or anything in his eyes, just fondness and Jongin wants to embrace him but isn’t it inappropriate to do to someone he just met a few hours ago? He’s afraid of taking things too fast – he can feel the tension, he knows that they want each other, but what should he do?

“You know, just because I just admit that I think you’re hot, doesn’t mean we have to bang right now,” Taemin says with another teasing smile, and Jongin can already feel the heat rising to his cheeks.

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry for being so awkward,” Jongin tries his best to smile and hides his embarassment as he gestures to Taemin to follow him to his car.

“Don’t be, I’m feeling nervous myself, you know,” Taemin says with a grin as he follows Jongin. “But really, though, I’m happy that we got to have that meet cute this morning,” he adds when they’re inside the car and he’s adjusting himself on the front seat.

Jongin blinks as he turns from his seat to face Taemin. “Meet cute?”

“Don’t you think that our meeting was like the start of a romance movie storyline?” Taemin asks teasingly at him. “And with how we keep meeting each other again accidentally, it’s almost like a spoiler telling us that this won’t be our last meeting.”

Jongin can feel his heart beating so fast as if it’s about to leap out of his chest - he thought he’s crazy for ever thinking that their weird chance meeting this morning could be a start of _something_ , but apparently Taemin might be just as crazy. 

And so Jongin laughs. 

“You’re unbelievable,” Jongin says as he tries to stop his laughter, and Taemin just shrugs and looks at him, still with a teasing smile on his face. He then looks down as he tries to fasten the seatbelt, though he looks like he's having difficulties so Jongin leans closer to help him.

“You have to press the button while inserting it,” Jongin says while holding the clasp and gesturing Taemin to give him the belt, “it’s been broken for a while and I always forget to repair it.”

“Ah, I see,” Taemin says, his hand slightly touches Jongin’s when he adjusts his belt and Jongin suddenly realizes that they’re so close right now that if he’s raising his head now he will definitely be face to face with Taemin.

“Where are we going, by the way?” Taemin asks, and Jongin carefully pulls himself back first before straightening himself.

“I don’t know, actually,” Jongin offers him a small smile, “I just want to spend more time with you, if that’s okay.”

Taemin looks at him for a while, not saying anything for a good one second but then he grins and oh, how Jongin wishes he could kiss away that grin from his unfairly handsome face.

"You look like you’re very tired right now, how about we just go to either your place or my place?" Taemin says warmly, while moving his hand to rest on top of Jongin's on the steering wheel and lightly interlaces their fingers. Taemin’s hand is warm, and Jongin turns his hand so they can properly hold hands. 

He feels silly because in the silence he can almost hear his own erratic heartbeat but then when he looks at Taemin, he almost looks as nervous as Jongin is.

“Jesus Christ,” Taemin says with a chuckle, “we’re just holding hands and yet I can feel like my heart is about to burst from nervousness.”

Jongin also laughs at that. “I know, I feel like a teenager being nervous for his first date.” 

"Well, this is technically our first date,” Taemin says, gripping Jongin’s fingers tightly. “Although what I have in mind right now is not what a teenager should have on his first date," Taemin adds in a bad imitation of a seductive voice and raises his eyebrows playfully.

"You’re really testing me, aren’t you?" Jongin says with a pout, and Taemin has the audacity to laugh at his reaction. His eyes follow as few hairs slip from Taemin’s ears and fall onto his face as he’s laughing, and he reaches out his other hand to twirl a few strands of Taemin’s hair before tucking it back behind his ear.

“Your hair is so soft,” Jongin says, liking the feeling of the soft hairs on his fingers.

Taemin closes his eyes and tilts his head towards Jongin’s hand, obviously enjoying the attention. “I take good care of my hair,” Taemin says, “I like the feeling of running my hands through it.”

“Really?” Jongin asks again, moving his fingers to lightly comb the hair just above Taemin’s ears, putting a little bit of pressure on the scalp and Taemin hums, his voice a little breathless as he says, “It feels really nice to have your fingers on my hair.”

Jongin can feel the spikes in his insides again - he really needs to get a better control of himself and really, he’s not an inexperienced teenager anymore and it hasn’t even been a day since they met and yet he already feels like he’s about to explode with how much he wants Taemin.

And when Taemin opens his eyes, looking at Jongin with the same desire dancing on his eyes, Jongin can feel how his heartbeat speeds up and his fingers stops moving - his eyes travel to Taemin’s mouth, which is slightly opened and Jongin really wants to pull him closer and push his tongue inside. Taemin seems to notice that he’s staring because he smiles almost shyly and it stops Jongin’s breath - 

And then Taemin is closing his eyes again and before Jongin could properly think, he’s also closing his eyes - the next second, he can feel how Taemin's lips lightly touch his own and it instantly makes him melt.

Taemin nibbles softly at Jongin's bottom lip first, familiarising himself with the feeling before slowly moving to his upper lip and starts putting more pressure gradually. Jongin moves his hand on Taemin's hair to touch at his neck, holding it gently as he pulls him even closer, coaxing Taemin to open his mouth with soft licks on the seam of his lips.

He then can feel how Taemin releases Jongin's hand and moves both his hands to rest at the back of Jongin’s neck, one hand moves up to clutch at Jongin's hair as he opens his mouth and meets Jongin's tongue with his.

It drives Jongin crazy, how the slow slide of Taemin's tongue against his is making his whole body weak. Taemin’s hand on his neck is warm and grounding him while the fingers on his hair are keeping him in place and it makes Jongin’s mind heady. 

And then Taemin is pulling back and Jongin instinctively tries to follow him but Taemin puts his fingers on his lips. Jongin opens his eyes and he sees how even with only kissing, Taemin already looks as if he's just had a good fuck. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes still hazy with desire, his lips swollen and red and all in all, he just looked thoroughly debauched.

Jongin can't wait to see how he'd look like after actually having a good fuck.

“Jongin-ah,” Taemin says breathlessly and Jongin swears he’ll literally give anything to be able to hear him breathlessly saying his name everyday for the rest of his life, “I know this sounds crazy but I really, really want you.”

“Then we’re both crazy," Jongin smiles at him, pulling Taemin closer as he touches their foreheads together. “So, my place?”

“Yeah,” Taemin laughs and smiles back, “but first, let me kiss you some more.”

* * *

Jongin wakes up to the sound of piano from his living room, and a pleasant ache all over his body. It’s been awhile since he doesn’t have a headache as he wakes up, and even his bed feels more comfortable than when he slept on it the night before. 

This is really crazy, Jongin thinks, as he reminds himself of what happened last night. He’s almost embarrassed with how both of them literally came in their pants as soon as they arrived at Jongin’s place - he vividly remembers the details of probably the hottest makeout he’s ever had in his life and how Taemin looked so beautiful as he unraveled before Jongin.

It’s good though that they got their frustration out of the way first - after the embarrassment subsided and they’re freshly clean out of the shower, they got to watch one of Jongin’s most recent movies. Which, they didn’t finish anyway because Jongin actually got a pretty intense sex scene in this one and Taemin kept teasing him until Jongin couldn’t take it anymore.

He’s surprised with how compatible they were in bed - and even though there’s still this nagging sound inside his head that keeps telling him that he’s going too fast with Taemin, he can’t bring himself to be remorseful about it. It felt really good, and since Taemin is still here, Jongin believes that he felt the same.

And really, seeing Taemin in his living room, wearing one of Jongin’s loungewear that is a size bigger than what he should probably wear, playing a wonderful song on his piano as if he truly belongs here, Jongin can only feel happiness.

He’s truly happy right now - in a way that he hasn’t been in awhile, and he thinks that it can only mean that he’s doing the right thing.

“So this sleepy bear has woken up?” Taemin greets him without actually looking at him, his hands are still gracefully dancing over the keys. “I thought I’d have to play some hard-hitting Beethoven to actually wake you up.”

“Why are you up so early,” Jongin mutters as he sits beside Taemin on the stool, “and why are you calling me bear.”

“It’s not early, it’s already eleven,” Taemin chuckles as he stops playing and turns to face Jongin - and Jongin’s breath is caught in his throat because Taemin reaches out to tidy up Jongin’s hair, which must be sticking all over the place right now. “And you are a bear because you’re big and fluffy and cute.”

“Bears are big and dangerous, they could eat you.” Jongin frowns but Taemin just ruffles his hair like a kid. How is this the same person who was so commanding and almost ate him up last night, Jongin wonders.

“Well, not this bear,” Taemin smiles at him brightly and Jongin also wonders how can someone be this gorgeous when they’re literally just woken up. “This one is a kid-friendly grizzly bear who loves to snuggle,” Taemin adds as he leans his head on Jongin’s shoulder.

This feels nice, Jongin thinks, and he moves his fingers to play some classic tune he knows on the piano.

“Ah, I was just about to ask how good you are in playing the piano,” Taemin says. “And I must say I’m impressed.”

“Yeah?” Jongin can’t stop the smile from forming on his face. “I guess I’m pretty good at it.”

Taemin chuckles again at that. “Yeah, you’re pretty good.”

They stay in silence as Jongin continues playing on the piano - he’s playing the song he remembers from having to play it for his sister’s wedding a few years ago. It’s Pachelbel’s Canon - a standard wedding song but still it's one of Jongin's favourite compositions, and Jongin remembers how hard he practiced for this one. He felt so happy when his sister loved it, and now, having Taemin enjoying it as he leans his head on Jongin’s shoulder, closing his eyes with a pleasant smile on his face, Jongin feels like it’s worth everything.

“Hey, Jongin-ah,” Taemin says after Jongin finished playing the song. “If you ask me to marry you like, right now, I think I will say yes.”

“Yeah?” Jongin can almost feel the lump on his throat as he hears it - everything is crazy and doesn’t make sense but he feels the same. 

It’s unreasonable to feel so much for someone he only knows for like a day - it’s more unreasonable to think that he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone he only knows for a day.

But Jongin can’t help it - he can’t control how he feels and it’s honestly scary to feel like this, to feel like your happiness is right here in front of you but you have no clue on its expiration.

Taemin is everything he’s ever wanted - he can’t explain why and he won’t even try - he just feels it, how everything seems to click in place just by having Taemin here. Suddenly his house doesn’t feel empty anymore, and so does his heart.

He's so perfect and he makes him so happy that Jongin can already see how broken he will be if somehow their relationship doesn't work out.

It's scary.

“Oh my God.” Taemin suddenly looks panicked and Jongin blinks, and strangely he can feel the wetness in his lashes.

Oh shit, he didn’t just cry, did he.

“Jongin-ah, don’t cry, I’m just joking,” Taemin explains and Jongin can feel the disappointment creeping into his heart but Taemin then quickly shakes his head. “No, I mean, it just came out because you were playing a wedding song, and also that’s a metaphor of how I really like you even though we just met yesterday that if you proposed to me right now I will say yes because I already want you to be in my life for a long time.”

Hearing that, Jongin can feel another surge of emotions pushing up his chest and he can’t help it when he cries, but at least this time, he tries to smile.

“I’m so happy,” He tries to say even with his cracked voice, “I’m sorry for being this emotional but I can’t even explain to you right now how this is the happiest I’ve ever felt in a very long time.”

Taemin’s worried face slowly turns into relief. “Jongin-ah,” he smiles so beautifully, “I’m really happy too, I really am.”

Jongin can’t help but smiles wider, and then Taemin just cups his face in his small hands, pulling him closer as he softly kisses his lips.

“And Jongin-ah,” Taemin adds as he pulls away and looks at Jongin fondly, “I feel really bad right now because your crying face really turns me on.”

Jongin almost chokes on his own tears upon hearing that - and then Taemin just grins at him. That was sort of inappropriate and bordering harassment, but somehow Jongin feels an inexplicable fondness instead. Taemin is definitely weird - but Jongin is also weird himself and he actually looks forward to them being weird together. 

So he laughs, and pulls Taemin closer instead to kiss him some more.

This is definitely the weirdest 24 hours Jongin had ever have in his life, Jongin thinks, but he can't help feeling optimistic - that everything that’s happened today is a spoiler to him that his coming days will be filled with more laughter and excitement and surprises like this, and for the first time in a while, he’s actually feeling like his heart is finally whole again.

And he knows even if somehow their relationship doesn't work out, everything will be okay and today will still forever be one of those days he will never ever want to forget in his life.

* * *

“So, Mr. Kim, we are now clear to start recording. Are you ready?”

Jongin is still looking down at his hands, still trembling and he’s not sure if he’s ready to speak without his voice breaking, but he guesses it doesn’t matter anyway. This time he only needs to be honest and nothing else.

“Yes, I’m ready,” Jongin says, and he winces at how raspy his voice is, but he shakes his head as he decides that he doesn’t really care anymore.

After this, everything will be better, Jongin thinks, so he just needs to be strong for a few hours and then he can return back to his normal life.

“Okay, after the beep, please start reading all those things we’ve discussed and if you feel like you still want to add anything more, please feel free to do so.”

Jongin nods, receiving the paper from the assistant who’d been diligently taking notes while they’re having the discussion and he takes a deep breath, holding it until he hears the beep and he starts talking.

“My name is Kim Jongin,” Jongin starts, stopping for a second as he reads the next sentence and he can’t stop the tears that fall from his eyes. He wants to scream at himself - there were signs here and there that their relationship was doomed, that they weren’t meant to be, and yet Jongin ignored them as he tried to cling to it like the fool he is.

Just because he thought that they’re soulmates - that fate has everything to do with how they met, how they instantly fell in love with each other and how everything in his life just seemed right ever since Taemin came into his life - he ignored everything else that was wrong about their relationship. 

How it had to be kept secret, how it turned Jongin into a liar and how alarming it was that for Taemin the lies seemed to just flow out so naturally. How whenever there’s conflict it’s always ended up with them sweeping it under the rug because they didn’t meet each other often enough to have time to deal with it - how they couldn’t have a normal functioning communication in their relationship because on those precious time where they don’t have schedules and they could meet, they never really _talked_ and just spend all their hours trying to fuck each other until there’s no physical space between them anymore even though it only made them becoming more distant emotionally. 

Those signs have been giving him spoilers - there is no happy ending to their romance. But still, he stupidly hoped for a plot twist that could change the course of the story. He should’ve known that there’d be no such thing, that there’s no point in a doomed romance - he had acted in a lot of stories like that, and every time he’d always judged the character he played for being a fool. 

And yet, now here he is, standing in the ruins of a relationship so irrevocably destroyed that he wishes he’d never have it in the first place. 

If only he'd let go of their relationship sooner before it got like this, they could probably still be friends, and Jongin could probably look back at the memories they have together with a smile.

But now the memories only give him pain that everyday he feels like there's a knife twisting inside his chest and he can't breath.

He thinks of Taemin, who is currently doing the exact same thing with him in the room across his, and he wonders if Taemin is stronger than him, if unlike Jongin, he can force back his tears because if there’s one thing that Taemin hates more than anything, it’s to let a stranger sees him cry. Jongin thinks he _still_ wants to be there, to hold Taemin’s hand because he knows Taemin is hurting too, because he believes that despite everything, Taemin can still feel comforted by his touch, but he can’t. So instead, he just takes another deep breath as he forces his voice to come out.

“My name is Kim Jongin and today, I am here to erase Lee Taemin from my memory.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this far!
> 
> ummm so as i mentioned before in my previous story, my brain was really itching to write something angsty about taekai and so here it is. this chapter is more like a prologue, i guess?? and the plot will start moving in the second chapter. 
> 
> it is heavily inspired by eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (aka my favourite movie of all time and tbh after mark recommended it now i have a whole new crush on him - yeah i'm easy like that), but i will take some liberty with the settings and use it as it fits into this AU. the plot will also be different because taekai don't really share similarities with joel and clementine (and because i'm getting sappy apparently and can't hold too much angst myself...)
> 
> as always, do let me know if you have any comments! i already have the story lined up and it will probably be around 3-4 chapters so hopefully it won't take me too long to update this regularly ;;
> 
> in the meantime, stay safe <3
> 
> credits:  
> \- the story title 'do not allow me to forget you' is from Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel García Márquez. I really like the phrase and I feel like it fits with the theme so I used it here.  
> \- and of course, 'spoiler' is from jongin's song!! i feel like the reckless confidence that came from the song kind of matched with their relationship here


	2. Chapter 2

Jongin wakes up but he can’t open his eyes - he’s currently lying on his own bed in his room and he can faintly hear the sound of people having conversation nearby but he’s parallized. He’s almost panicking but then he remembers the injection he took just a few minutes ago - a neutralizing agent that will render him immobile, the doctor had said, but it will keep his mind awake so he can focus on walking through his memory without the disturbance of his physical reaction.

Right. He’s in the process of erasing Taemin from his memory. 

And somewhere in another room just a few blocks away from his place, Taemin is doing the same thing.

The doctor had explained to him that he will be having an out-of-body kind of experience, as if he’s visiting various parts of his memory that have strong ties with Taemin. It moved backwards, the doctor had said, and he’s free to just stay silent and observe or interact within the memory. Nothing he did in the memory will affect the end result anyway, he had said, and by the time they finished visiting the last memory - the very first time he met with Taemin - he will wake up thinking as if he just woken up from a long dream that he could not remember.

He will not remember anything about Taemin. Not his face, not his name, not his feelings for him. Everything will be gone.

Jongin tries to convince himself with a new resolve - he needs this, and he needs to be strong for this. 

Now the first memory he’s visiting is the procedure he did a few hours ago at the Seoul headquarter of Lacuna, the company they hired to do the procedure. After he finished recording his consent for the procedure, his assigned doctor brought him to a treatment room, where his head was connected to dozens of wires and the doctor tried to map his brain.

Jongin looks at the various items in front of him - postcards, journals, photographs, souvenirs from various places all over the world and other trinkets that looked random but everything actually has one defining trait - they were all objects that reminded him of Taemin. He watched as the doctor’s assistant pointed at each of the items, asking Jongin to recall the memory associated with them as the doctor mapped the clusters in his brain that reacted to every specific memory. 

He jumps to the next memory after a few minutes. This time, he’s alone in his apartment, collecting all the items he needed to bring with him for the procedure - the doctor had instructed him to get rid of everything in his house that could remind him of Taemin. It’s painful to watch, Jongin thinks, as he sees himself breaking down every now and then. He remembers that it actually took him a full day to finish it, drowning himself in the memories of each of those items - memories that used to fill him with happiness but by then it only served its purpose as a cruel reminder of how he’d lost everything he thought would be his forever. Jongin can feel the pain in his chest and he really wishes that he could go to the next memory faster - seeing himself so heartbroken like this is too much to handle.

He's then transported to Mondi, the coffee shop he frequents with Taemin. The memory was when he told his manager what happened - and that he’d like to have the procedure to erase Taemin from his memory. His manager and Taemin’s manager are the only people who actually know about their relationship.

“We’ve done our research and it may sound absurd, but it works,” the Jongin in his memory sighed tiredly, looking at his manager who was flipping through the documents explaining the procedure - an expensive and experimental procedure that’s apparently common among the wealthy who doesn’t have time to deal with sadness and heartbreaks. As they kept their relationship all this time under the radar, it’s achievable as long as the people who knew about their relationship refrain from ever mentioning it to them, because after the procedure, they’d just be strangers who’d never met before.

“So you two actually talked with each other, looking for ways to end your relationship,” his manager muttered, “instead of actually looking for a solution to save it.”

“Wonshik,” Jongin sighed again - he remembers that he was so tired and wanted to just sleep forever until it stops hurting, “you know we’ve tried.”

“Then try harder,” Wonshik said, looking like he almost cried himself, “it doesn’t make sense to me that you’re obviously still in love with each other and yet you decided to do this. You literally searched for a way to erase each other from your memory because you know you can’t live without each other!”

“It doesn’t matter how we feel, and it won’t matter,” Jongin cut him. “After all, soon neither of us would remember any of this.”

“Are you sure there’s no other way?” Wonshik asked, “I mean, I’ve watched you two since the beginning and I know that you were truly happy with him.” 

Jongin notices how he himself stiffened - he was having a brief moment of reconsideration back then, and now hearing the words again he can feel another wave of sadness washed over him.

“Yeah, I was happy,” Jongin gave him a small smile, “but apparently, Taemin was not.”

“You know it's not true,” Wonshik tried to argue - he looked so exasperated and as if he’d had a very bad week. “Whatever bad thing that happened between you two does not erase the fact that you made him happy too.”

“And even though you’ve decided to end your relationship, it’s such a pity that more than two years worth of some of the happiest memories in your life would be lost just because of one bad ending,” Wonshik added, and Jongin still remembers how he felt when he heard those words. 

“A bad ending is all it takes, really,” Jongin mouths the word at the same time with the Jongin in his memory, who was saying it with a tired and sad smile, “and like you said, without forgetting, it is quite impossible to live at all.”

Jongin loses his balance as the ground beneath him shifts and he closes his eyes, bracing for the impact of the next jump. He only opens his eyes when he feels that the ground has stopped shaking, and he immediately winces as the lights from an overhead lamp hits his face.

He’s still in Mondi, but this time, instead of his manager who sat across him, it’s Taemin.

Taemin’s hair was pink - it had been pink for a while that the blonde roots started showing - and he couldn't hide how awfully tired he was but still, he looked as beautiful as ever. 

And Jongin realizes that this time, instead of watching the memory, he’s actually the one sitting across Taemin. There’s no past Jongin in this memory, just him, and now he has to play the role.

Or maybe not. After all, the doctor said that whatever he does won't change anything and it’s just happening inside his brain, so technically Jongin could try and do anything he wants.

“Jongin-ah?” Taemin’s voice interrupts his thoughts and Jongin turns to face him.

“Yeah?”

“You've been silent for a while,” Taemin says, his brows furrowed. “Are you okay? We can always talk about this another time.”

God, the reality hits him that after this, there would never be another time - he'd never meet Taemin again like this, in Mondi, even though he remembers that in this memory, the last time they met here, he had his heart on the verge of breaking.

And then Taemin’s fingers are softly caressing his cheek, and Jongin looks up to see Taemin with a worried look on his face.

“Jongin-ah,” his fingers sweep away a tear Jongin doesn't even realize is falling from his eyes. “Don't cry. I'm sorry, we can talk about this later.”

“There's no later,” Jongin smiles at him, and he can now feel the tears falling freely from his eyes. “We're in my memory and I'm in the middle of erasing you from it.”

Taemin looks confused for a moment, but then a realisation seems to hit him.

“Ah, okay,” he smiles back, and Jongin wonders how such a small beautiful smile could look so sad and lonely. “So in the end we went through with the plan.”

Jongin nods - he can't find his voice and Taemin is still gently catching his tears with his fingers. 

“It's painful, isn't it?” Taemin asks, and Jongin nods again. “It breaks my heart seeing you hurting like this, but after this, you won't remember a thing so please bear with it.”

“What if I never find someone I can love again?” Jongin asks the question he never got the courage to ask Taemin in person - after all this procedure was Jongin’s idea in the first place. “I love you so much I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't think I can ever love anyone like that ever again.”

Taemin doesn't look surprised or anything - but he smiles that smile again, the one that always rips Jongin's heart apart. “I know, Jongin-ah,” he says, his voice slightly trembles, “but you won't remember anything about me, you won't remember how you feel, so there's nothing to compare your feeling to. Whoever you love next, it will be the one who you love the most.”

“How can you be so calm about all of this?” Jongin asks, thinking how unfair it is that his heart is literally breaking into pieces and yet Taemin still looks like he is holding himself fairly well.

“Because that's how you perceive me in your mind, no?” Taemin asks back, still with that smile on his tired face, and then suddenly Jongin has to close his eyes as he feels like he’s being lifted up from the ground. It almost feels like he’s free-falling, and then he can feel himself landing on his back, lying on a soft carpet.

He opens his eyes and he sees a familiar glass ceiling - he’s currently in Taemin’s loft in Seoul, his bedroom to be precise. He tries to guess the timeline - he’s still wearing the same outfit like he wore in the earlier memory. 

But then he can faintly hear voices coming from behind the closed door - he walks towards it and he stops right before he opens it.

He recognizes the voices - it’s their voices, and Jongin can clearly hear his voice even from behind the door.

“I found this procedure to erase our memory,” the Jongin in his memory says, and Jongin has to wince because his voice sounds so awful and strained, “and I think we should both do this.”

Jongin closes his eyes and covers his ears as he slumps his back against the door - he doesn’t want to revisit this memory at all. When Jongin told him about this procedure, about how he wanted both of them to take it, Jongin still remembers how he could clearly see the disappointment in Taemin's eyes, even when he obviously tried to look at anywhere else but Jongin. He could still clearly remember how Taemin, with his overthinking tendencies, tried to run through the scenario in his head while also trying to understand why Jongin offered him to do this procedure together.

But they both needed it - watching their relationship crumbling down had been the most difficult time in his life, and despite how Taemin tried to convince him otherwise, it’s clear that it wore him down as well. He knew they still love each other, but what’s the point if neither of them are happy. 

Jongin is still covering his ears as he opens his eyes, and he spots Taemin’s airpods and phone on the bedside table. He quickly walks there and puts the airpods on, and the phone itself automatically lights up - and then the voice of Nina Simone suddenly fills his ears.

And Jongin can’t stop the tears from flowing down his face - not because of the song, but because he can see Taemin’s lockscreen wallpaper.

It’s still the same picture from a year ago, when they went on a vacation together in Thailand. And what hurts Jongin the most is that he remembers when they met briefly today at Lacuna before the procedures, where they didn’t even exchange a single word and just smiled at each other before they entered separate rooms, Taemin’s phone suddenly lit up with a notification and Jongin noticed that he still had their picture as his wallpaper. 

Jongin had already changed his wallpaper to a default one sometimes ago because he couldn’t stand to look at their pictures together anytime longer, but Taemin still had it even until the last hours. 

And he remembers how on the way back to his house from the office, he received a text message from an unsaved number that he knew by heart anyway.

_Goodbye and thank you for everything._

It’s such a formal message and it should be upsetting - but Jongin understands that it must’ve already been so difficult to do. He himself wouldn’t be able to send a message like that, and as always, Taemin had been one step ahead of him.

He remembers that he replied with ‘Thank you for everything too, I wish you’ll have a happy life from now on’, which was as sincere as he could do at the moment, but the message was not sent - probably because Taemin blocked his number right after he sent that message. 

Jongin remembers how he cried as he kept trying to send the message - he couldn’t use any other platform because the people from Lacuna had already taken care of all the online history related to their relationship on various social media accounts and messaging platforms and erased everything so efficiently. They suggested that they keep their phone numbers the same though, because otherwise it would confuse them when they wake up and they have a different phone number.

So SMS texting and GSM calling was the last platform they’re allowed to have contact with after the people from Lacuna erased everything from their phone a few days ago, but they really didn’t contact each other after that, and Jongin expected it to be that way until the end. 

But of course Taemin would defy his expectation - and in a cruelest way possible, he got to say his last words to Jongin but didn’t allow Jongin to do the same.

And Jongin knows that he deserved it. 

He remembers Wonshik, who was driving him when he got the message, getting panicked seeing Jongin cry - he’s begging Jongin to go call Taemin and cancel everything, that it wasn’t too late, but Jongin knew that it’s already too late.

Any hope of saving their relationships had vanished the moment they entered that separate room, recording their messages and pouring out all the reasons why they decided to forget each other.

Or maybe there’s no hope at all since the start - they’re just too stubborn to acknowledge it and now they’re in this mess.

The song suddenly stops playing and it pulls Jongin away from his thoughts. He looks at Taemin’s phone on the table and it suddenly rings - Jongin remembers this moment when Taemin had to go to his room in the middle of their conversation, and before he could think of what to do, Taemin is already inside the room. He doesn’t seem to notice Jongin’s presence as he goes straight to his phone.

But Jongin can see him, and it pains him to realize that if they somehow meet again sometimes, it will be like this. They used to mean so much to each other, but after this procedure, they could be passing by each other on the street and they won’t even recognize each other. 

“I can’t see you, but I know you’re here,” Taemin suddenly says as he stops right before opening his bedroom door, but before Jongin could say anything back, he suddenly feels dizzy and then everything goes black.

* * *

Jongin wakes up in his own bed, sitting up with his heart racing as if he’s just sprinted for a mile, and with a terrifying realization, he still remembers everything. 

“Fuck!” Jongin curses out loud, “Why didn't it work?!”

“What didn't work?” A familiar voice asks him, and Jongin almost jumps out of his bed from the surprise.

It's Taemin - with his bright pink hair - emerging from the bathroom with a toothbrush dangling from his mouth. He's finished his shower already it seems, and he looks like he's getting ready to go somewhere.

Ah, this is the memory from the day when they have that huge fight that will eventually end everything. 

It's roughly a month before the previous memory he visited - so he skipped those long days where they're still trying to keep their relationship going even though it's never the same again after this day.

They had a huge fight this day - it started like this, Jongin waking up to find Taemin already preparing himself to leave even though it was supposed to be the first day off they have together after a while.

And it ended up with Taemin telling Jongin that he has been ruining his life ever since they met each other. Jongin still remembers the exact sentence that hurt him even harder than if Taemin actually said he hates him.

 _“Your love is suffocating me and I can't breathe.”_

And he still remembers standing still as Taemin left the room - he couldn’t even cry because he was so heartbroken - he was so in love with Taemin, he’s so happy with how he loved him and yet apparently, his love was only hurting him.

That’s the worst thing that could ever happen.

Taemin wouldn’t be back until a week later, with a heartfelt apology that Jongin knows was as sincere as it could possibly be, and he truly forgave him too. He’s not even mad with Taemin in the first place - he knew Taemin didn’t mean it when he said that Jongin ruined his life, but he also knew that their relationship had become a burden to Taemin to some extent.

Jongin had cruelly said to him that he felt like he’s the only one working hard to keep their relationship alive even though he knew that Taemin was trying his best too - he didn’t mean it but the moment it left his mouth, he knew he ruined everything.

Their relationship was already so fragile in the first place and then the fight happened - that’s why as much as they tried to fix their relationship, it just couldn’t work. They were already tired trying to hold on to a relationship that frankly has no future, and once they actually hurt each other, both of them were too absorbed in their guilt and they couldn’t move on. 

“Jongin-ah?” Taemin softly calls him again, and Jongin turns to face him. 

“Ah, no, I was just dreaming, I guess,” Jongin smiles at him, and Taemin smiles back as he goes back inside the bathroom. Jongin closes his eyes and lets out a sigh - he definitely doesn’t want to relive this awful day so he might as well act differently. He jumps out of his bed and walks to the bathroom - Taemin left the door open so he leans on the doorway as he watches Taemin putting some face cream on.

“Jongin-ah, you can sleep again, it’s still early,” Taemin says as he looks at him through the mirror. 

“I want you to come back to sleep with me,” Jongin says with a smile - if he will truly forget everything after this, he might as well just sleep through it.

“You snuggly bear,” Taemin scoffs fondly at him, “I’m just going out to buy your favourite scones from that bakery down the road. The owner just messaged me that her batch today is especially good and she’d set aside some for us.”

Fuck, Jongin can feel the exact moment his heart breaks again - he only figured out where Taemin was planning to go on this day when he visited the bakery a few days later. He’d regretted it so much - if only he’d asked Taemin first instead of being upset right away, he could’ve avoided the disaster.

Well, Jongin knows that it doesn’t matter - either way, Jongin had been feeling unsure for a while by then and Taemin had been feeling suffocated with their relationship and if they didn’t fight that day, they’d eventually fight someday later. 

And if in the end they would’ve still chosen to do this procedure, then the sooner they broke up, the better. Less time wasted on memories they won’t remember.

But still - Jongin thinks as he watches Taemin opening a jar of lip balm and softly patting it on his cutely pursed lips - if he could borrow more time for them to be together, he would’ve chosen it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Jongin smiles at Taemin, who is now turning to his face to directly look at him, confusion clearly written all over his face. 

“Didn’t tell you what?”

“This. That you’re just going out to pick a scone for me and not ditching me for work again.” 

“I just told you, you big bear,” Taemin pinches his cheeks, “and why would I ditch you for work - I’ve been waiting for today so impatiently that Kibum is actually pissed off at me for not concentrating on work.”

Jongin just smiles at him - this was what Taemin told him when he’s apologizing to him.

So this Taemin is really just a construct from his memory. His brain right now is just providing a simulation game with all the memories and knowledge he has about Taemin as the basis of his character. His response will depend on Jongin’s action, but it’s based on the Taemin that Jongin knows. 

The Taemin that Jongin _thought_ he knew.

“Why are you being sad?” Taemin is now cupping his face and is worriedly looking at Jongin, “Tell me what’s happening.”

“Let’s sit together?” Jongin smiles at him, “I think we can pick the scones later in the day, if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Taemin smiles back and kisses him softly on his lips before pushing Jongin by the shoulder to sit at the edge of their bed.

Jongin leans his head on Taemin’s shoulder and closes his eyes once they’re both sitting down - he misses this Taemin so much - the one who still has no idea that Jongin has been suffering all this time because he loves Taemin so much and he feels like Taemin never loves him as much. The one that doesn’t have this misplaced guilt thinking that their relationship turned sour because of him, because of what he said to Jongin on this day - Taemin never did anything wrong, and that’s why Jongin was so adamant about them getting this procedure.

“Taeminnie,” Jongin starts, raising his head from Taemin’s shoulder, “we broke up.”

“Eh?” Taemin turns around and looks confused as he turns to face Jongin, “What are you talking about? Were you having a bad dream?”

“I wish it was just a bad dream,” Jongin smiles at him, “but no, we really decided to forget each other.”

“What do you mean forget each other?”

“I found this procedure to clinically erase a person from our memory,” Jongin tries to explain even though he knows he doesn’t really need to, “and we agreed to do this so that we can have a clean breakup.”

Taemin looks extremely confused for a second, but then a realization seems to dawn on him.

“Wow, so in the end we really broke up,” he says with a small smile. “I’ve always known this is going to happen sooner or later,” he adds as he leans his head on Jongin’s shoulder, hiding his face from Jongin’s view.

“Why?” Jongin asks this time, moving his hands to circle around Taemin’s back as he pulls him closer to his embrace. He then moves his hand to Taemin’s hair, gently stroking his hair as Taemin keeps his face buried on Jongin’s shoulder.

“Because your love is suffocating me,” Taemin says, his voice shaking probably with his effort to keep himself from crying - Taemin never cries, not even once, and Jongin has always thought that it’s a privilege he didn’t get to see because he’s not worthy enough, “and I can’t breathe.”

Jongin can’t stop his own tears from falling - he’s never as strong as Taemin, really.

“I’m sorry, Taemin,” Jongin sobs - hearing those words again apparently hurts him as much as when he hears it for the first time, “I’m sorry.”

And then the world spins again and Jongin closes his eyes with Taemin still shaking on his embrace.

* * *

When Jongin opens his eyes again, he’s standing on a beach he couldn’t recognize - it was empty, he’s the only one standing there, with Taemin on his embrace.

Taemin hair is still pink and he is still wearing the same clothes from the previous memory, and Jongin notices that he’s also still wearing the same clothes - so they haven’t moved past the memory.

_Where are they?_

He then can feel Taemin trying to push him away, and when he finally looks at his face again, Jongin is surprised.

Taemin looks angry - he saw this expression a few times but it’s never directed at him. Even when they fought, Taemin didn’t look angry - he just looked sad, which was actually worse than if he’d just lash out angrily at Jongin.

“Taemin-ah,” Jongin tries to softly touch his cheek to ease his anger and Taemin lets him, but he still looks terribly pissed off. “I’m sorry, I know it’s been hard on you but that’s why we’re having this procedure, so we can both move on.”

“I’ll never forgive you,” Taemin finally talks after a few seconds of just looking at Jongin. “We’re having this stupid procedure is probably my fault too but I’ll never forgive you for making me say those words even though you should know yourself that I didn’t mean it that way.”

“What words?” Jongin is extremely confused right now - why does Taemin react like this? 

“Me being suffocated and stuff,” Taemin says, still glaring at him. “That’s not what I felt.”

“You said it yourself,” Jongin tries to defend - now he’s getting a little irritated too, “I didn’t make you say it.”

“You _believed_ I would say it, so that’s why I said it,” Taemin explains vaguely. “Anyway, this is now _my_ memory so you should follow me,” he adds as he turns away and starts walking, leaving Jongin rooted on his spot.

_What is happening?_

“Wait, Taemin!” Jongin calls out to him because Taemin starts running, “Taemin! Where are we?”

“We’re looking for me!” Taemin shouts his answer without looking back and Jongin has no choice but runs after him. “We’re in my hometown!”

Jongin is legitimately disoriented right now - why is he in Okinawa? He’s never been here, he has no memory of this place aside from knowing that this is where Taemin was born and raised. Taemin said that now they’re in his memory - how’s that even possible? Is this some weird trick his mind is playing on him?

And Taemin runs so fast that Jongin almost lost him and he’s starting to lose his breath - he’s definitely not expecting to get some exercise. He’s slowing down his pace and he can’t see Taemin in front of him anymore - where did he go? 

He’s getting panicked right now - what the hell is happening? The doctor said that everything will be happening inside his own memory so why is he here in a place he has no memories of, and more importantly if what Taemin said is true, that this is Taemin’s memory, how’d he get here in the first place?

He looks around to find Taemin but there’s no one in sight - not even a single person even though it’s sunset and the view is breathtakingly beautiful that Jongin stops running. The orange rays from the sun are bleeding to the sky, giving it a pinkish hue and Jongin thinks that probably, this is really from Taemin’s memory.

He remembers one of Taemin’s compositions which he said was about sunset and he remembers how it evokes the same feeling with what he’s experiencing right now.

His music is wonderful - and Jongin hopes that even when he finally forgets about Taemin, he will still be able to listen to his music and gain strength from it. Maybe just as a fan, or maybe even like how he listens to a lot of wonderful songs without ever really knowing who’s behind the music aside from their name.

Okay, Jongin thinks, maybe he should stop thinking about the aftermath because it’s getting realer with every memory he visited and he couldn’t really handle how he’s been hoping for a miracle that would somehow stop this whole procedure.

Jongin is about to run again when he notices a figure not too far from him - someone is walking towards the ocean with their full clothes, coat and all, and they keep walking even though the water already reaches the height of their stomach. Jongin panics - this can only be a bad sign. He doesn’t even know where he is right now, but he definitely cannot risk it if he’s actually somewhere real and he just let someone die like that.

“Hey!” Jongin tries to shout but the person doesn’t seem to hear him. He remembers that he’s in Japan so he’s trying to call them in Japanese. “Hey, it’s dangerous if you move forward so please come back here!”

The person doesn’t react so Jongin runs towards them. “Hey!” Jongin calls them again but the person still doesn’t respond to him. He’s knee deep now, and his short and t-shirt will definitely be soaked but he walks closer to the person and when he finally gets to them, his heart almost stops.

The blue hair. The wide shoulder. The mole on the back of the neck. The smell of wisteria he can smell from this distance. 

“Taemin?” Jongin calls out with a low voice, and the person snaps his head around with a surprised look on his face.

It’s Taemin indeed.

“Jongin?” Taemin’s voice is cracking and Jongin notices that his eyes are red - was he crying?

“Yeah,” Jongin smiles at him as he offers his hand. “Let’s go back to the shore? The tide is getting higher.”

“Why are you here?” Taemin asks him with a confused small voice but still he takes Jongin's hand and lets him pull them away from the sea. He looks so small and scared and Jongin really just wants to hold him tight.

“I don’t know, really, I want to ask you that question actually,” Jongin answers, tightening his hold on Taemin’s hand. It feels like forever since the last time they’re holding hands and Jongin can’t help the warmth that spreads to his chest - he really misses Taemin and it brings back the memory of the first time they’re holding hands like this, both still shy as their hands accidentally brushed each other while they’re walking together and Jongin doesn’t remember who grabs whose hand first but he still remembers the excitement he felt.

And soon, he will forget all of it.

“This is my memory,” Taemin’s answer pulls Jongin out from his thought. “You shouldn’t be here because I never told you about this. You don’t know this.”

“Then why am I here?” Jongin asks, slightly looking back to see Taemin looking up at him. Taemin looks lost and confused and _scared_ \- Jongin doesn’t really understand what’s happening but he definitely can’t stand seeing Taemin like this.

“How did you get here?” Taemin asks, “Are you aware that we’re currently erasing each other from our memories?”

“I’m here because you brought me here,” Jongin answers, “I was in the middle of a memory when you - I mean, the you in my memory - got angry at me and brought me here to found you.”

“So you’re Jongin?” Taemin asks again before quickly shakes his head, “I mean, you’re not Jongin from my memory but, real Jongin?”

“I guess so?” Jongin offers him a smile, “I was very confused when I arrived here because I know it’s not part of my memory.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t know this so that’s why I’m here.” Taemin smiles back at him and Jongin can’t help but feel another wave of sadness thinking that there’s probably still a lot of things he doesn’t know about Taemin.

“Why are you here then?” Jongin asks, “This whole erasing process should only visit the memory that has connection with me, right?”

“Yeah,” Taemin smiles with that faraway look in his eyes that always breaks Jongin’s heart, “I am trying to run away from the procedure.” 

Jongin stops walking so suddenly that Taemin bumps onto him, and he almost falls to the water below if not for Taemin regaining his balance and pulling him up straight.

“Be careful,” Taemin chides him softly, and Jongin can only stand still as Taemin holds both of his hands in his and closes his eyes. “Let us move somewhere without water,” he adds, and Jongin closes his eyes too as he feels the ground shifting below him. When he opens his eyes, they’re in what looks like an activity room in a school.

“We’re in my high school right now, the music room, to be precise,” Taemin smiles as he lets go of Jongin’s hand. He looks younger, probably in his high school age since they’re both wearing Japanese uniforms right now. Jongin can’t help but admire how Taemin looks so handsome in that get up - he looks straightly out of a manga.

“Wow, I’ve always wanted to see you in a gakuran,” Taemin chuckles. “You look so good,” he adds, almost shyly. “If only we’ve known each other since high school, it will definitely be a better experience for me.”

“You never told me about your high school,” Jongin says. “Is that why we’re here?”

“Yeah, high school was not really a fond memory for me,” Taemin smiles, but there’s a tell-tale look in his eyes, showing how he’s very uncomfortable right now visiting this place and this part of his memory.

It’s the same with how he looked before in the ocean - scared and lost.

“Taemin-ah,” Jongin starts, “why don’t we go somewhere else? You seem very uncomfortable here.”

“It’s okay,” Taemin says, looking like he's trying his best to smile, “in this space, they can’t find me.”

“Taemin-ah,” Jongin reaches out his hands to frame his face and he’s so relieved when Taemin lets him, “why are you running away?”

Taemin smiles as he looks up at him, and he brings both of his hands to rest on top of Jongin’s. It feels so warm, and Jongin wants to cry with how overwhelmed he’s feeling to have Taemin like this after what feels like an eternity of them being so distant with each other.

And this is Taemin, real Taemin, not just Taemin in his memory.

“I don’t want to forget you,” Taemin says, his voice is restrained but Jongin can really feel the honesty. “You may be annoying sometimes,” he adds with a small chuckle, “but I really don’t want to forget you.”

Jongin can feel the lump on his throat and he can feel his eyes start to burn with how much tears he’s holding - Taemin’s hands are the comfort he needs to stop himself from just breaking down right now.

“Taemin…” Jongin hates how awful he sounds, “you should’ve told me if you don’t want to do this.”

“I thought I wanted it too,” Taemin says, “you were right when you said it was hard on me too, and all I could remember from our relationship was that awful fight and I guess it kind of muddled how I remembered our other memories.

“But now I got the chance to revisit our relationship, and it surprises me that aside from that one awful fight and the following time where we prepared for this procedure, other memories I visited are all happy memories.”

Taemin then moves his hands to also cup at Jongin’s face, and suddenly there's a single tear falling from Taemin’s eyes even though he’s smiling so beautifully.

This is the first time Jongin ever sees Taemin cries, and he’s so hauntingly beautiful that Jongin understands now how he’s really unworthy of his tears. 

“With every memory I visited, I got to be reminded of why I’m so in love with you,” Taemin says, his voice is so soft and gentle but still it breaks Jongin’s heart, “and it’s such a wonderful feeling that I really don’t want to ever forget it.”

And Jongin can’t hold it back anymore - he blinks and the tears just fall from his eyes like that. Taemin tries to catch them with his thumbs, all the while still looking up at Jongin as if he’s the most precious thing in his world.

“So, Jongin, would it be okay with you if I want to keep these memories?” he adds with a hopeful smile and Jongin hates himself for ever making Taemin thinks that Jongin would even say no to that, “I promise I will keep my distance and won’t try to approach you again when we wake up - I just want to remember this feeling, that I love you, and once, you’ve also loved me.”

“Taemin,” Jongin pulls Taemin into a hug and he holds Taemin’s head with one of his hands as he whispers to him, “I love you, I still do. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Taemin answers after a while as his hands hold Jongin’s waist tighter, “but when you wake up, you won’t remember it, will you?”

Jongin doesn’t even have to think - this whole procedure was a stupid idea and he should’ve listened to Wonshik when he told him to cancel everything. He thought it was too late - and he thought that Taemin wanted it too and what’s the point of keeping the memories if he’s the only one who remembers.

But then Taemin said he wants to keep them - even when Jongin forgets and it will forever be a memory that only Taemin remembers - he still wants to keep it.

Taemin will _always_ be one step ahead of him, won’t he?

“I don’t want to wake up like this,” Jongin says, “let’s run away together.”

“Are you sure?” Taemin swiftly pushes him away and his eyes widen in surprise as he looks up at him again - and the weight that’s been plaguing his mind this past month just evaporated like that.

“Yeah,” Jongin smiles at him, “I mean, I don’t even understand how we can meet each other like this even though we’re not supposed to, but maybe it’s fate telling me how stupid I was for ever thinking that forgetting our memories would be the best way to move forward.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Taemin smiles back at him, “it's a mutual decision, remember? And without having this opportunity to look back at our memories we might not have realized it ourselves.”

“Should’ve opted for couple counseling instead,” Jongin grins, “it’s way cheaper.”

Taemin laughs at that. “Well, it’s not us if we’re not being dramatic.”

“So, do you think it’s actually possible? That we can stop this procedure?” Jongin asks.

“I don’t know,” Taemin smiles, “the chance is slim I think, but we can try, right? At least if we kept moving around it might notify the doctors that we’re trying to do something.”

“Yeah,” Jongin pulls Taemin closer to him again and rests their foreheads against each other, “I missed you so much.”

Taemin scoffs at that but Jongin can actually hear how fond it sounds, “Yeah, I missed you too.”

Jongin then suddenly feels the ground shaking - it’s unlike how it was before though because now the shaking was so bad that it almost feels like an earthquake.

“Shit, I think they found me,” Taemin pushes Jongin away and Jongin then notices that the ceiling starts to crumble and it actually looks dangerous so he pulls Taemin into his embrace again to protect him from the falling debris.

“What do you mean?” Jongin asks him as he brings Taemin to hide under one of the tables. This totally looks like the building is going to crumble and bring them along with it.

“We need to move fast to another memory,” Taemin answers, “but shit, I can’t think of anything right now.”

Jongin swallows as he thinks of one memory he definitely never shared with Taemin - he’s not sure if he’s ready to bring Taemin there, but he guesses he has no other choice.

“Just hold on tight to me,” Jongin says, “I’ll bring us somewhere.”

He can then feel Taemin nods, and Jongin closes his eyes as he thinks of his middle school days and the specific part of his memory where he’s trying to go. He feels the ground shifts beneath him, and when it finally stops, he can feel that they landed barefoot on a plush carpet. Jongin opens his eyes and he breathes a sigh of relief - they’re finally here.

“Oh my God,” Taemin suddenly exclaims, and Jongin finds that they’re actually turning to their middle school self right now. Taemin has a bowl cut black hair that would probably look ridiculous on someone else but it still looks cute on Taemin - it reminds him of something.

“Why do you look like a mushroom?” Jongin asks when he finally realizes what Taemin reminds him of.

“Shut up,” Taemin still looks shocked and his eyes don’t move away from Jongin’s face, “you actually look like a girl.”

Jongin grins at that, “Oppa~” he tries to mimic a middle school girl voice, “please be gentle to me, it’s my first time~”

Taemin actually walks to his bed and throws a pillow at Jongin’s face.

“It sounds so ridiculous when I can see you sporting a boner.”

Jongin gasps as he realizes that of course he’s now only wearing his underwear. Taemin then throws him a short he probably found lying somewhere and Jongin quickly wears it.

“Sorry, I totally forgot,” Jongin smiles sheepishly and Taemin just throws a used t-shirt at his face, “in this memory I actually got caught jacking off so that’s why I was looking like that.”

“What the fuck?!” Taemin shouts so loud that Jongin has to run to his side and covers his mouth with his hand.

“Don’t shout! In a moment my sister will come so you better hide.”

“Ugh, so you were caught jacking off by your sister? That’s so gross.”

“Shut up!” Jongin ushers him to his closet, “Please wait inside for a moment while-”

“Jonginnie?” 

Jongin freezes in his spot when he can hear his sister’s voice - he’s still halfway pushing Taemin inside the closet so he’s literally caught red-handed by his sister trying to hide another boy in his closet. Thankfully at least they’re both decently clothed.

“Ah, noona,” Jongin smiles at her, and Taemin quickly stands straight beside him.

“Hi noona,” Taemin also greets her, and Jongin’s panic instantly melts away as he realizes that Taemin will handle this, “my name is Taemin, I’m Jonginnie’s friend from school.”

“Hello Taemin, nice to meet you. I’m Jiwon, Jongin’s sister,” his sister smiles at him. “And what were you doing?” she asks as she turns her gaze at Jongin.

“Ah, we’re just playing around,” Jongin answers with a wince - he’s always bad at lying and he knows it’s not the best answer but then Taemin clears his throat.

“We’re betting if I can fit into Jonginnie’s closet,” Taemin explains cheerfully, with fake laughs at all, “and since it looks like I can, Jonginnie owes me a week’s worth of banana milk!”

“Hey! You need to be able to stay inside for 15 minutes to win the bet!” Jongin plays along - it’s always easier when Taemin starts the story and he’d only have to continue it.

“Whatever, boys are always weird,” his sister says with a smile as she shakes her head in amusement, “I’m sorry I didn’t knock first, I thought Jonginnie was alone since I didn’t see you coming.”

“You should’ve knocked even if I were alone!” Jongin protests, and his sister just shrugs.

“Okay, okay, next time I’ll knock. I’m just here to tell you that Mom just prepared watermelons for us,” she smiles as he turns to face Taemin again, “You are also welcome to join us, Taemin.”

“Thank you!” Taemin smiles brightly at her, and Jongin can see the exact moment that his sister actually blushes. 

Apparently even with this weird haircut, Taemin’s smile is still lethal to everyone regardless of their gender and age.

He quickly pushes his sister away from his door while saying that they’ll come down after a minute, and after closing his door and making sure he locks it, Jongin just slumps himself against it. 

“Thank you for the save,” Jongin says while shifting his gaze to Taemin, who’s currently sitting at Jongin’s bed, looking at Jongin with a small smile on his face.

He actually looks hot - like, a fourteen year old kind of hot - with his simple white tee showing his lean frame and Jongin wonders if by this age, Taemin already got any kind of sexual experience.

“You look like you want to eat me,” Taemin suddenly says, and Jongin’s attention snaps back to look at Taemin’s eyes - he’s probably been staring at Taemin’s exposed neck and collarbone for far too long. Taemin’s lips are curved into a teasing smile and Jongin is always weak when Taemin looks at him like that - like he knows Jongin is helpless against him and he’s enjoying it.

“You look kind of hot,” Jongin admits as he walks towards his bed, “I’d definitely have a crush on you if we went to the same school.”

“Yeah?” Taemin smiles wider at that, “You also look hot in that ponytail. I bet you got both boys and girls going crazy at you, no?”

“Just girls,” Jongin smiles at him, flopping himself down to lay his head on Taemin’s thigh. “You’re my first boyfriend, you remember that, right?”

“Yeah,” Taemin answers as he pushes Jongin’s head to the side, taking off the hairband tying Jongin’s shoulder-length hair, “but you also told me that I wasn’t your first time with boys.”

“I only get to explore with my sexuality when I’m way older,” Jongin explains while closing his eyes, enjoying the way Taemin’s fingers are carding through his hair, “I always knew that I like both girls and boys, but, you know, liking girls is way easier so I always went with that until I was finally confident enough to accept that I want to try it with boys too.” 

“Right, I actually remember when you told me that your first time with a boy was when you’re having a filming in the US like, a few years back?”

“Yeah,” Jongin smiles at the memory, “It wasn’t the best sex but it was pleasant enough to makes me want to try more.”

“Yay, good job, Jongin’s first boy,” Taemin cheers half-heartedly and Jongin laughs at that.

“You never told me about your first time.” Jongin asks, thinking that maybe this is an appropriate time to ask since they’re sharing anyway, “Was it something you don’t want to remember?”

Taemin stays silent for a while and Jongin opens his eyes and turns his head to look up at Taemin, who’s looking at Jongin now with a small smile on his face.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Jongin smiles as he reaches out his hand to touch at Taemin’s cheek. “We can talk about something else.”

Taemin shakes his head, “Nah, I want to share it with you, I think.” Taemin smiles at him and Jongin smiles back, nodding as he’s turning his head in a more comfortable position so he can look up at Taemin while still laying on his thigh.

“It’s with my senior in high school,” Taemin starts, his fingers pushing back some hairs from Jongin’s forehead and it stays there. “He’s straight though, so we never actually became boyfriends and became more like, fuck buddies.”

“How old were you?”

“I was in the first grade, so, around fifteen years old.” 

“Was it unpleasant?”

“Not particularly, but it wasn’t a fond memory either. The sex was terrible, which was not surprising since it was both our first time, but what makes it worse was the misunderstanding. I thought at first he wanted me for more than just a sex partner but then after having sex a few times, he just casually told me that he’s straight but still, fucking me were nice because I was pretty like a girl but unlike them, I wouldn’t ask him for a relationship or something sappy like that.”

Jongin can feel the tears already forming behind his eyes but he tries his best to hold his tears back - he can’t afford to cry right now and makes Taemin worried so he tries his best to give a comforting smile instead.

“He’s such an asshole,” Jongin says while caressing Taemin’s cheek again, “I’m sorry you have to go through that.”

“Thank you, but well, it’s not his fault, he thought I was straight too and was just looking for convenient fuck buddies like him,” Taemin smiles at Jongin. “I never had the courage to correct him anyway so it’s kind of my fault too.”

“But still, he’s an asshole for saying it like that and then comparing you to girls,” Jongin can’t stop a tear from leaving his eyes and Taemin just chuckles at that.

“Only you would cry from hearing a story that wasn’t even that sad,” Taemin says as he wipes the tear with his thumb. “He’s just dumb and didn’t mean to hurt me, we actually became pretty good friends even until now, if it’d make you feel better.”

“Why would you sleep with someone dumb,” Jongin complains now, because Taemin is always like this, too kind to actually be angry at people who hurt him, “I thought you have good taste - the other boys you've told me were always cool and enviable.”

Taemin laughs at that. “Well, he’s our basketball team’s ace so he's like, super hot with broad shoulders and well-defined abs,” Taemin grins. “But yeah, he’s so dumb that I have to do my own research and actually told him what to do so that I could also enjoy the sex because otherwise he’d just thrust into me like I’m some fleshlight.”

It’s supposed to be sad, but seeing Taemin telling the story as if it’s just another slight inconvenience in his life actually made Jongin smile - he’s strong, so strong, but Jongin wishes he could be more vulnerable sometimes.

“I wish I could have a better first time, though,” Taemin adds while looking fondly at Jongin, “if my first time were anything like our first time together, I think I’d turn out to be a better person than I am right now.”

“You’re already perfect right now,” Jongin tells him, “and I can’t do anything about your unfortunate first time but I can promise you I will make sure that you’ll only have good sex from now on.”

Taemin just looks at him for a second and Jongin wonders if he said something wrong but then Taemin laughs as he dips down to kiss Jongin’s lips.

“You’re so funny,” Taemin says as he kisses Jongin’s lips again, “but thanks, I will hold on to your promise.”

It feels different, Jongin thinks, kissing Taemin with this body. He can feel the excitement as if it’s his first kiss, which Jongin thinks works with this memory because at this time, he’s never been kissed.

“If only this actually happened,” Jongin says as he raises himself up and pushes Taemin so he's laying on his back now with Jongin's straddling him, “I think I won't even bother trying to sleep with girls.”

“Yeah?” Taemin smiles as he looks up at him, “Because I'm already pretty like girls?”

Jongin knows Taemin is just joking - he's grinning and there's the mischievous glint in his eyes - but Jongin hates it. Jongin hates the fact that there's a time in his life when Taemin felt like he's just a replacement, like a convenience, when he should've always been a privilege.

“I’m sorry, let me rephrase that,” Jongin says, “I think I won't even bother trying to sleep with anyone else. No one will ever compare.”

Taemin smiles, his eyes soften as he looks at Jongin. “Thank you, that’s actually really nice to hear.”

“I’m sorry if I didn’t say it enough to you,” Jongin leans down and drops a kiss on Taemin’s forehead, “but meeting you is the best thing that ever happened in my life.

“All this mess right now is because I’m a coward, because I couldn’t stand the thought of us no longer together and I couldn’t live with the guilt thinking that it was me who ruined our relationship.”

“Jongin-ah,” Taemin stops him and pushes him away so they could look at each other, “it was me who said those hurtful things to you and left.”

“But it’s me who doubted you in the first place,” Jongin smiles at him. “You know, the last memory I visited before we met was that day, and instead of getting mad at you right away, what I did was asking you to come back to bed with me.”

“And it ended up differently?” Taemin asks as he tucks away some stray hairs behind Jongin’s ears.

“Yeah, you were just laughing at me for being a snuggly bear and explained to me that you were just about to get something from the bakery for me.” 

“Well, I should’ve told you back then instead of acting so defensive. It could’ve ended differently if I did something different on my part too so it’s not just your fault,” Taemin smiles as he tries to comfort him.

“I know,” Jongin smiles back. “Funny to think that one single course of action could change our whole lives.”

“We were burnt out too, I think,” Taemin says, his hand is now softly caressing Jongin’s cheek. “It had been a while since we met each other in person, and we’re both in the middle of stressful projects - everything around us contributed too to how we acted on that day.”

“Why was it so difficult for us to move on from that day?” Jongin asks, closing his eyes as he enjoys the warmth of Taemin’s hand. “Why can’t we recover from that fight? I mean, we tried to talk it out and everything but it didn’t work.”

“Because it’s the only time we ever fought, right?” Taemin asks back. “We got disagreements from time to time but to actually fight and throw hurtful words at each other - I think we just got overwhelmed because we never thought we could intentionally hurt each other.”

“I hated myself so much for what I said to you on that day,” Jongin says, “I didn’t mean any single thing but still it came out from my mouth like that.”

“I know,” Taemin says, “I know you didn’t mean it, and even back then I knew you didn’t mean it, but…”

Jongin waits for Taemin to continue but he seems to be thinking of the right words to say it - Jongin gives him another kiss at his forehead to encourage him.

“I think I need to show you something first, Jongin-ah,” Taemin cups at both of his cheeks, “can I take you somewhere else?”

“Of course,” Jongin smiles at him and he stands up, pulling Taemin along with him. He holds both of Taemin’s hands and closes his eyes, and in a second he can feel the ground shifting beneath him again and suddenly he can feel coarse sands beneath his feet.

He opens his eyes, and he sees the same scenery where he met Taemin earlier - the beach in Taemin’s hometown.

“I never told you about this place and this memory,” Taemin starts as he holds Jongin’s hand and pulls him slightly as they start to walk together along the beach, “this was where I grew up when I was a kid.” 

“It’s a beautiful place.”

“It is,” Taemin says, “I used to really love this place and I’ve always wanted to bring you here so I could have a better memory of this place.”

Jongin smiles at that.

“Okay then, after this is over, you’ll bring me here, promise?”

Taemin tightens his hold on Jongin’s hand as he whispers, “Yes, I promise.”

* * *

When he first applied for this job, Chanyeol thought that it was just for a typical network engineer job. He would’ve never thought that he’s actually applying to be a network engineer for a company that’s providing a very peculiar service - to erase a specific part from one’s memory. He thought it was a stuff of science fiction - that it was something impossible to achieve, but apparently science has progressed so much that it is now something attainable.

For those who have the money, anyway. It was very expensive and out of most people’s pay range that those who don’t have the money wouldn’t even get to hear about it. 

He sighs as he’s monitoring the brain of his current patient - Kim Jongin, 28 years old, one of South Korea’s most sought after actors. He’s trying to erase a specific part of his memory, or more accurately, to erase all the memories related to his ex-partner.

Another case of heartbreak, which is actually very common but not for celebrities. It would usually be impossible for them to get this kind of procedure because their life was in the spotlight all the time and there’s records of their relationships on various places on the internet that would be impossible to trace one by one.

But Kim Jongin had magically kept his relationship a well kept-secret that there are literally only two people aside from him and his partner who knew about their relationship.

Which is actually probably why they broke up in the first place - having to hide their relationship from literally _everyone_ for almost three years would make anyone go crazy at some point. And it seemed like they have no option to make it public either, unless they want to destroy both of their careers.

Because if the public ever learned that Kim Jongin was actually dating another man, it would be a huge scandal. And not to mention that the man was Lee Taemin, the prodigy musician who is definitely a well-known public figure as well. 

Chanyeol actually feels sorry for them - he’d been doing this job for almost two years now but it’s rare that he felt any sympathy towards his patients. Most of the patients he got, they did the treatment just because they could - erasing a minor embarrassment from their past, a failure they couldn't get over - and they're mostly looking forward to getting the procedure done as soon as possible.

But Kim Jongin was so miserable - Chanyeol saw him earlier today when he had to map the locations in his brain that’s related to his ex-partner. He didn't even bother trying to hold back his tears as he went through the curated object one by one. Chanyeol was so bothered by it that he asked Jongdae who did the procedure for the ex-partner if he was also as miserable as Kim Jongin, and Jongdae told him that Lee Taemin didn't cry but he might as well since he actually looked like he'd lost all his will to live.

“Hey, Jongdae,” Chanyeol calls to his friend who's currently working beside him. They're currently in the headquarter office, making sure that the procedure currently happening for both of their patients go smoothly. The doctors were working on them in their houses, essentially uploading their brains to Lacuna’s network where all the processes are being done. “Why is Kim Jongin moving so slow? It's almost an hour and he's only at three percent.”

“Maybe he's trying to interact with the memories, sometimes it slowed it down,” Jongdae explains. “Either way it will be finished in eight hours so if he moves slowly at the start he’d just have to skip some memories near the end. No big deal, everything will still be erased anyway.”

Chanyeol nods at that, “By the way, how's yours?”

“He's fast and efficient,” Jongdae answers, “He's almost at twenty percent.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol comments, “he must've been-”

“No- no no no no!!” Jongdae suddenly shouts and Chanyeol doesn't get to finish his sentence. 

“What happened?”

“I lost Lee Taemin,” Jongdae answers as he pulls up the detailed neurons of Taemin’s brain into the screen. “He's moving to a part of memory that wasn't registered with the network.”

“How is that even possible?” Chanyeol asks as he goes over to Jongdae’s station - the dot where Lee Taemin should be right now is blinking red, signalling that the subject is not in the memory. “The machine automatically detects all the memories related to Kim Jongin, right? Regardless of whether it came up in the mapping process or not?”

“Yeah, they could even detect memories from before they met.” Jongdae answers. “Maybe there's an error in the algorithm - I'll check on it after I find him.”

Chanyeol returns to his station and it takes a few more minutes before Jongdae finds Lee Taemin. But as soon as Jongdae tries to pull him back, Lee Taemin is missing again. It keeps happening for a few more times, and Chanyeol is about to go over and check on Jongdae again when he also gets a red dot blinking on his screen.

Oh fuck, Kim Jongin is also missing.

Chanyeol pulls up Jongin's detailed neurons right now, and he’s mortified because it’s not showing anything.

Kim Jongin is nowhere in his memory.

This never happened before. He looks at the brain scan and it appears that it's functioning normally, so no, Kim Jongin is not dead. He's just somewhere out there - he probably got lost in Lacuna’s network and Chanyeol is about to do a deep search when Jongdae calls him.

“Chanyeol, look at this.” 

Chanyeol goes over to Jongdae’s station, and it shows two blinking dots instead of one in a space of Lee Taemin’s memory.

“What does this mean?” Chanyeol asks even though he got a guess.

“Kim Jongin is currently in Lee Taemin’s unregistered memory,” Jongdae explains, his face looks so weird as if he'd just been forced to kick a puppy, “and I think they're trying to run away from the process together.”

“Oh fuck”, Chanyeol curses as he drops himself on the floor, “don't tell me we'd have to spend the night playing catch with them.”

“I'm afraid that's the plan,” Jongdae sighs heavily, “we need to pull them back to their own registered memory before the time limit.”

He stops and drops himself as well beside Chanyeol on the floor, the remaining words seem to be lost even though they both know well what it is he's trying to say.

“If we’re too late, they’d be lost forever in the network and their brain would stop functioning.”

Chanyeol closes his eyes - this will definitely be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was soooo difficult to write ;;  
> and i have no idea how brain actually works aside from what i learned in basic biology but in this story, let's just say that their brain is uploaded to some kind of cloud network in Lacuna and everything is actually happening not inside their brain, but in Lacuna's network.
> 
> anyway, thank you for giving this story a chance - hope you like it so far and do let me know if you have any comments <3


	3. Chapter 3

“What happened here?” Jongin asks, holding Taemin’s hand tightly as they walk along the empty beach. It’s exactly the same scenery as when Jongin was here earlier - gorgeous pinkish sky and an almost empty beach.They turned back to their adult age, and Taemin is sporting his blue hair, one of Jongin’s most favourite looks on him.

“I used to visit this place a lot whenever I felt like everything was too hard,” Taemin answers. “When I left this city and moved to Tokyo, I somehow always associated this place with those memories of frustration and loneliness and it’s such a pity because this place is truly beautiful, especially at sunset like this.”

Jongin can hear the tightness in Taemin’s voice, and the lingering anger that probably had never gone away. Jongin then moves his thumb to gently caress the back of Taemin’s hand in his hold, trying to soothe him and he can feel Taemin softly tightening his grip, as if appreciating his gesture.

“You really do love sunsets, don’t you?” Jongin asks. “Every time you go somewhere scenic you never forget to send me pictures of the sunset there.”

“There’s something poetic about sunset, I think,” Taemin answers, his voice is softer now as he continues, “nothing is quite as majestic as watching the sun bleed as the night consumes it.”

Jongin chuckles at that - only Taemin could say something so bizarre with a dreamy voice. “I know you like to make your music haunting with all those minor chords but why would you choose to describe sunset in such an eerie way,” Jongin says as he stops walking, reaching out his hand to play with Taemin’s hair.

“How would you describe a sunset, then?” Taemin asks, closing his eyes as he smiles.

“Isn’t it more like a promise?” Jongin pulls him closer and presses a kiss to Taemin’s hair. “The sun sends you off to face the night with a beautiful sunset as if to promise you that it will come and greet you again with an equally beautiful sunrise.”

Taemin doesn’t say anything for a while but then Jongin can hear Taemin’s laugh as he drops his head on Jongin’s shoulder, throwing his arms loosely around Jongin’s waist. “Really, Jongin-ah,” Taemin starts, craning his head upward to look at Jongin with joyous wonders dancing in his eyes and he’s so _so_ beautiful, “I wish I could see the world from your eyes, it must’ve looked so wonderful.”

Jongin smiles at that. “Just look in a mirror and then you’ll see my world,” he says, lips curving into a grin. Taemin immediately laughs again and mutters a soft “Shut up”, but then his expression turns into a softer smile before he’s gently framing Jongin’s face with his small hands. 

“You know, the first time we met in this memory earlier, I was so tired of running away from one memories to another and I really just wanted to see you so much,” Taemin says out of the blue and Jongin’s breath stuck on his throat - Taemin is still looking up at him and Jongin can feel the slight trembling of his fingers on his face, “but since I couldn’t go back to any memory that has you in it, I just came here.”

“I visited this place by chance a few months ago and back then, this beautiful sunset reminded me of your beautiful smile even though I couldn’t figure out why - but now I think I understand,” Taemin adds with a smile. “You always remind me of the sun, so seeing the sunset probably reminded me of the beautiful smile you always gave me whenever we’re saying our goodbyes.”

Jongin blinks, feeling the wetness starting to form on his lashes as he struggles to find a word to say but before he could say anything, Taemin continues.

“Our goodbyes were never scary for me because I knew it’s just temporary and you’d greet me again with the same beautiful smile when we reunite,” Taemin says again, still smiling even though his voice now is heavily laden with regret, “but our last goodbye was different, no?”

Jongin’s mind went back to this morning when they last met at the doctor’s office - to Taemin’s small smile that broke his heart into million little pieces, to the wallpaper on Taemin’s phone, to the emotional breakdown he had when his messages to Taemin couldn’t be sent - and he can’t stop a single tear falling from his eyes.

 _‘Why don’t you just erase the memories of the fight and keep your relationship?’_ Wonshik had asked him, but it’s not just because of the fight that he’s thinking of this procedure. It’s been an accumulation of various things - from the fact that they have nowhere to go with this relationship, that they have to hide it as if it’s a shameful thing even though for Jongin it’s the most wonderful thing that ever happened in his life. 

Jongin wants to show Taemin off to everyone - he wants to introduce Taemin to his family and friends, wants to bring him along as his date to various formal events he’s attending, but with their situation, they couldn’t even hang out together in peace without worrying that someone would take their picture secretly and start a rumour.

A rumour that could ruin both their careers - and while it’s tempting to entertain the idea, to just leave everything behind and start a new life with Taemin somewhere else where it’s not a taboo for them to love each other, Jongin knows it’s not that easy.

“You know, Jongin-ah,” Taemin says again, his thumb is gently wiping away the tear from Jongin’s eyes and his voice is pulling Jongin away from his wandering thoughts, “don’t you think that it’s weird how we never actually talked about breaking up? We talked about this procedure as if it’s something very clinical and we need this for our wellbeing but we never actually talked about why we should end this relationship. It’s straight to, okay, we need to erase each other from our memory.” 

“Yeah, it’s weird,” Jongin says as he smiles regretfully. “I think a part of me always believed that our relationship will have to end someday anyway so it’s only a matter of how to survive after the inevitable ending.”

“That’s kind of sad, don’t you think?” Taemin smiles back. “It’s the opposite of those couples who never had a proposal and just talked about planning the marriage right away.”

“We don’t have that kind of privilege, do we?” Jongin asks, taking both of Taemin’s hands to his lips and kissing them. 

Taemin shakes his head in regret but still he smiles, and it makes Jongin want to be angry - at the world, at the society, at everything that denied them the chance to even dream about a future together - and it probably won’t change, even if they managed to escape this procedure. Their relationship will still be doomed, it still will be difficult for both of them and there’s no guarantee that this kind of thing won’t happen again, but as foolish as it might sound, Jongin will still take the chance. 

“Hey, Jongin,” Taemin suddenly starts, and Jongin smiles, encouraging him to continue, “after this, let’s meet my Mom and Dad.”

Jongin blinks again - he can feel the burn in his heart from how the words awaken the hopeful wish he’s never dared to entertain, not even in his dream.

“It might be impossible to introduce you right away as my boyfriend, but we can start by introducing you as a very important friend to me, I think, and we’ll see how it goes.” Taemin says. “And we should meet your family too, don’t you think?

“It still won’t be easy but let’s start everything over with a good intention, this time,” Taemin adds, smiling, and Jongin wants to drown in the way the lights are glimmering in his beautiful brown eyes, “and instead of thinking of our relationship as something that we should treasure while we still can, let’s think of how to make it last.”

_Let’s think of how to make it last._

Jongin doesn’t even feel it when more tears just flow down his face - it’s what he’s been secretly hoping for, what he’d been wanting to express all this time but he could never bring it out, fearing that it would burden Taemin into thinking that he wants more than what Taemin is ready to give.

And to finally hear Taemin saying it, despite the unfortunate circumstance they’re currently in, Jongin can’t help but feeling an overwhelming happiness washed over him.

* * *

“Fuck this,” Chanyeol curses, trying his best not to be swayed away by the display of affection happening in front of him. He’s still invisible right now, he should still be until Jongdae finishes his VR setting and joins him in this space, and he feels guilty for intruding an intimate moment that he shouldn’t be watching. And now that he knows they’re _for real_ trying to run away from this procedure, and seems to be finally able to clear whatever misunderstanding they had, he’d feel like a total asshole if he suddenly came and ruined this moment.

Chanyeol looks at the clock that is shown on the top right of his vision - they still have around five hours before the procedure ends. Maybe they should give these two more time together?

But for what, he thinks, if in the end they will forget everything anyway? There really is no option for them to cancel this procedure - they should’ve known that, they signed the agreement themselves knowing that this process is irreversible once they start it.

But when he sees Lee Taemin gently kisses a crying Kim Jongin with a tenderness he’d never imagine coming from someone who just tried to erase the other from their memories, he really can’t bring himself to be the bearer of the bad news. 

And when suddenly both of them disappear from his sight, probably jumping to another memory, Chanyeol just let them.

Jongdae will definitely be angry at him because it had been a really complicated process trying to find them, but fuck it, he thinks, as he closes his eyes and returns back to his body.

* * *

“Another memory from high school?” Jongin asks, looking at Taemin who is now turning back to his high school self. Taemin looks older than when they were in the music room before, and he looks incredibly handsome, Jongin thinks - his black hair with an undercut and short angular fringe like this is a heaven-sent look on him, especially with how it makes his jaw looks even sharper.

“Yeah, before I met you I think I’ve jumped to at least ten different memories from high school. I kind of pushed them away to the back of my mind so I guess it’s more difficult to find me here.” Taemin smiles as he walks and sits down on his bed, gesturing to Jongin to sit beside him.

Taemin never shared anything about his time in high school, Jongin thinks. He only knows that Taemin went to a private all-boys school, which from the looks of it seems like a fancy school, and that he had to live in the dorm because the school was located outside of Tokyo where his parents lived. He did say that it wasn’t a fond memory for him though, and Jongin has never asked about it, thinking that Taemin will tell him when he feels like he’s ready.

“Was it that bad?” Jongin asks as he moves closer towards Taemin, pressing his shoulder against him. Taemin leans his head on his shoulder right away, as if moving on auto-pilot.

“Yeah, it was a nightmare for me,” Taemin says, taking one of Jongin’s hands in his. “I constantly lived in fear that someone might figure out my sexuality that I distanced myself from most of the other students and because of that, I was sort of an outcast.

“I’m always ashamed of that part of me, the one that couldn’t say what I truly felt and moved on with my life. I was a coward and decided to protect myself under the lie,” Taemin continues, his voice now trembles with what Jongin can understand as anger, “and even until now, I am still a coward.”

Jongin's heart breaks hearing it - he turns to face Taemin whose eyes are shining with unshed tears and Jongin immediately cups his face, trying to make Taemin look at his eyes. “No, Taemin, no, you are not.”

“You are so amazing and wonderful and anyone would be lucky to have you,” Taemin says, a single tear falls from his eyes and Jongin quickly catches it with his finger, “and yet I still didn’t have the courage to own that part of me.”

“You know it’s not that simple,” Jongin tries to console him, his finger softly stroking his cheek. “I won’t be able to fully understand your pain so I wouldn’t put myself on your shoes, but I’ve known you long enough to know it’s not out of cowardice - you just didn’t want to hurt the people you cared about. If it’s just about you, you would say it out loud, I know you. But you’re also thinking of your family and you wanted to protect their feelings, right?”

“I do love them so much,” Taemin says, a small smile appearing on his tired face. “I’ve wanted to come out to them, I really do. Especially since I’ve met you, it’s killing me that I could not share with them the one thing that makes me happy,” he adds, reaching out his hand to also touch at Jongin’s face. “But at the same time, I don’t want to cause them any pain.”

“Of course you don’t, and it’s okay,” Jongin says with a smile. “But please also remember that you don’t have to shoulder everything alone - you have me, right?”

Taemin just blinks and Jongin continues. “Like you said, we can start slow by letting them know about me, and then we can see from there,” Jongin says, dropping a kiss on Taemin’s forehead. “And if at any given moment you think it’s okay for me to do so, I will play my part too and will do my best to convince them that I really love you, and that they can trust me to make you happy.” 

Taemin just looks at Jongin for a few seconds - he looks surprised, his eyes glimmering with hope and Jongin’s heart literally melts. “You will do that for me?” Taemin asks and really, does Taemin really not know that Jongin will literally do anything for the sake of his happiness?

“Of course, you don’t have to go through the night by yourself,” Jongin smiles back, thinking of lightening the situation and trying not to choke on his own tears at the same time because damn, seeing Taemin so vulnerable like this makes him realize how much he’d been suffering all this time and Jongin had barely done anything to help him. “I’m happy that you think of me as your sun, but please let me become your moon too.”

Taemin blinks again, seemingly trying to comprehend what Jongin was saying but then understanding seems to dawn on him and he laughs. “I totally didn’t expect that,” he says in between his laughter, “but that’s very poetic of you.”

Jongin grins. “Did I make your heart flutter?”

And Taemin just laughs again before he shuts Jongin up and kisses him.

* * *

“Okay, I found them!” Jongdae suddenly exclaims, taking Chanyeol by surprise. “And now we should really stop them.”

“Yeah, you weren’t there earlier so you could easily say that,” Chanyeol mutters under his breath but still he puts on the machine around his head. 

“You know that the only other option would be letting them have brain malfunction,” Jongdae says while putting the machine himself. “I know it sounds cruel but there’s nothing we can do about this, right?”

Chanyeol sighs. “I know, but still it’s not that easy.”

“It’s not,” Jongdae agrees, “but we have to do this to save them. If they mess up their brains, their chances of getting back together is zero. If they just forget each other, well, there’s always a possibility that they’ll meet each other and fall in love again.”

“Life isn’t a fairytale, most likely if they meet again after the procedure they will just pass by each other,” Chanyeol says, setting up the device and then handing over the controller to Jongdae. “And even if by some sort of miracles they do fall in love, without the memory to help them know what went wrong in their relationship, they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again.”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything for a while as he takes the controller from Chanyeol - he seems to be contemplating whatever Chanyeol is saying but then after a while he shrugs, this time with a smile on his face. “Who knows, love works in a mysterious way.”

Chanyeol scoffs at that, but still he smiles. He closes his eyes, and he feels it first when the ground suddenly shifts and when he opens his eyes, he can see both Kim Jongin and Lee Taemin, looking way younger than their actual age, sitting together side by side on a single bed. Chanyeol looks around and he thinks he’s in a dorm room, and from the Japanese scripts all over the place, they’re probably in a Japanese school right now. 

They are currently talking while holding each others’ hands - something about planning to meet Jongin’s family, and Jongin promising him something about figuring things out together. It’s sweet and heartbreaking at the same time, especially since he knows that there’s no way Jongin can ever fulfil that promise and fuck, the way they’re looking at each other - these fools are really in love with each other and Chanyeol is really frustrated that he can’t really do anything to help them out.

He looks at Jongdae, who’s closing his eyes before opening it as soon as Jongin finishes talking, and then he’s looking back at Chanyeol, signalling to him that it’s time for them to appear. He presses the button on the controller and then the ground shifts again, ultimately catching both of them by surprise and they visibly froze when they notice him and Jongdae materializing in front of them.

Taemin is definitely trying to run away again but Jongdae is quick to stop him.

“Okay guys, before you’re thinking of escaping again, please let us explain first,” Jongdae starts, his voice carries the calming aura and reassurance as always. “My name is Kim Jongdae, and this is Park Chanyeol. We are from Lacuna and we know that you’re trying to stop this procedure, and we’re here to help you.”

Chanyeol can almost see the mix of relief and anxiousness running through their eyes, and he’s so thankful that Jongdae is here with him because Chanyeol himself will never be able to tell them anything.

“So you can help us to stop this?” Taemin asks, a little bit hesitantly, and Chanyeol’s heart breaks at how hopeful he sounds even with his timid voice.

“No, unfortunately we can’t. We’re here to help you so you won’t have permanent brain malfunctions and die,” Jongdae answers in a matter-of-fact manner and this time, Chanyeol really admires the way he’s controlling himself.

“What?” It’s Jongin this time, tears are already forming on the corners of his puffy eyes and Chanyeol remembers that this is the guy who really can’t stop crying when he’s walking them through his memory of Taemin.

“Yeah, the process of erasure is already happening inside your brain, even right now as we speak, and whatever you did in this memoryscape will not affect the process. It’s not reversible, in the same way that when you already erase something with an eraser you won’t be able to take it back. If we forcefully stop the procedure right now, it will only leave you with an incomplete memory that will end up messing up your other brain functions outside of memory,” Jongdae explains again, maintaining the emotionally detached tones on his voice but Chanyeol knows him long enough to notice the slight crack in his voice.

“And also,” Jongdae adds while taking a deep breath, “if you don’t return to your own memory before it finishes the process, you will forever be trapped in this memoryscape with nowhere to return to, because your brain will shut down and you will be dead.”

“You can’t be serious,” Jongin can’t hold back a sob and he doesn’t even try to stop the tears from flowing on his face. Chanyeol has always admired Jongin - he’s a fantastic actor that always embodies his characters so well that everytime he cries on screen, Chanyeol always feels like crying with him. And when he saw Jongin cry earlier in the headquarters, even though he looked miserable, Chanyeol thought that only him could make crying look beautiful. 

But seeing him like this, to cry because he’s truly heartbroken with no hope in sight, there’s truly nothing beautiful about it. 

“Unfortunately I am,” Jongdae responds, and this time Chanyeol can hear the slight quiver on his steady voice. “I’m sorry for being frank like this, but time is of essence right now and I believe you two would prefer to do something more meaningful rather than hearing me rambling about how you can’t stop this procedure anyway.” 

“How can we trust you?” Taemin asks, there’s no tears in his face but his eyes - his beautiful eyes that just minutes ago were sparkling with what Chanyeol identified as love - are devoid of any warmth and it’s so heartbreaking to see it so lifeless and hollow.

Chanyeol looks at Jongdae and he notices that Jongdae smiles hearing the question but it’s obvious that he’s trying his best to suppress his emotions and stay professional. Chanyeol decides to step up and taps at his shoulder and Jongdae lets out a sigh as he briefly squeezes Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder, urging him to talk.

“You can’t really,” Chanyeol says, “but if there’s any way to stop this, there’s no reason for us to lie to you.” 

Taemin shifts his gaze at him, obviously searching for any signs of lies, and Chanyeol just smiles at him. “I mean you’ve already paid us and it’s non-refundable anyway,” Chanyeol adds, trying to ease up the tense atmosphere a little bit.

Taemin then actually smiles back, a small smile that looks so painful and sad and Chanyeol wonders how can a smile look even more miserable than a cry, and then Taemin just turns his gaze back to Jongin, who is currently burying himself in his hand as he cries. Taemin then holds him - he gently pulls Jongin’s head, kissing him softly in his cheek and whispering something to him before pulling him into his embrace, where Jongin just hides his face on Taemin’s chest. 

“Okay,” Taemin suddenly says, looking back at both him and Jongdae, still with a crying Jongin on his arms, “how many hours do we have left?”

“We’re almost halfway through the process so there’s still around five hours left, but you’ll have to be in your memory for at least half an hour before the procedure ends - you’ll have to be there for the last memory you visited,” Chanyeol explains, and then he can see a little bit of relief on Taemin’s face. 

“We will let you know when it’s time, so if you want to, you can spend it together while waiting for it,” Jongdae adds, his comforting voice is exactly what Chanyeol needs, and probably what the both of them need right now.

“Yeah, that would be great,” Taemin says with another smile, something a little bit less sad and more hopeful now. 

“I know it’s terrible but thank you for understanding the situation,” Jongdae says, his voice a mix of relief and heartbreak and honestly, that’s what Chanyeol is also feeling right now. He’s happy that they can catch up to them, explain the situation and save them from the prospect of premature death, but knowing that they also can’t really help them save their relationship is making him wonder about the ethical aspect of this procedure - shouldn’t they prepare for this kind of thing to happen, for people to realize the importance of their memories as they walk through it? They should’ve prepare for a way for these people to stop this procedure - 

“No, thanks for letting us know,” Taemin’s voice pulls him back from his thoughts. He’s looking a little bit better now, his eyes no longer that hollow even though still it doesn’t shine as beautifully as before. “And one more thing, can we ask you for another favour? It will be a huge favour but we’ll forever be thankful if you can help us with it.”

Chanyeol smiles, nodding as he prays to whoever might be listening that if miracles do exist, hopefully these two people could find each other again and get their second chance.

* * *

They landed on a beach this time - it’s almost sunset, and Jongin looks at Taemin, who is still having his hair black but it’s longer now, perfectly framing his more mature face.

As much as he thinks that Taemin is gorgeous in lighter colour hair, he’s always weak to black-haired Taemin. Somehow he looks more innocent and vulnerable, but at the same time, also more dangerous and alluring. It’s a pity that Taemin likes to colour his hair more often than the season changes its course.

They’re in a private resort in Krabi, Jongin thinks as he remembers the memory related to this place. Taemin had to stay in Bangkok for a few weeks and one weekend, Jongin had offered to come visit him. As a surprise, Taemin actually picked him up in the airport and dragged him to the domestic terminal instead, with a flight ticket to Krabi already secured.

“I was very happy when you said you'd come to visit me to celebrate your birthday together.” Taemin suddenly says as if he knows that Jongin was thinking about that day. “It’s the first time in my life that I actually plan a surprise for someone.”

“And it was the best birthday surprise I’ve ever had in my life,” Jongin says as he holds Taemin’s hand tighter. “You really managed to keep everything so secretly it caught me off guard - if it were me I would be too excited about it and would have it slipped while we’re talking.”

Taemin laughs at that - his laugh is still the most beautiful music to his ears and Jongin tries his best to stop himself from crying now that he knows after this, he probably would never be able to hear it again.

When the people from Lacuna helped them secure their access to their memory from this memoryscape in the cloud without having them actually returning back to their own memory, Taemin asked Jongin if he has anywhere in their memory he wants to revisit, and Jongin instantly thought of this place. 

What better ways to spend the last hours you have with the love of your life than a beautiful tropical resort where they have a whole strip of beach almost for themselves? Jongin doesn’t really want to share Taemin with anyone else, not even with passersby, and this place, with the golden sun starting to paint the horizon in strikes of orange, is quite a romantic place to spend the time waiting for the end of the world.

Because it is, for them, at least the end of their world as they know it right now. The world where they met each other, fell in love - after this, it will be a totally different world where they don’t even know each other.

It’s a curious thing, his heart’s desire - he always thought that he never had enough time with Taemin because there’s a lot of things he wanted them to do together - but when he’s actually given a time to spend together where he can actually do anything he wants and go wherever he wants, he can’t really think of anything. He just wants to be together, as close as possible, and nothing else matters.

Because when he knows that he can do anything he wants but then he will remember nothing about it - it makes him realize that all his greed of wanting to have more is not only about enjoying the present but also because he always thought that he wanted to make good memories as much as possible so that when they inevitably broke up, he’d have a lot to look back to and reminisce. 

But without that pressure, he realizes that nothing matters more than right now - than enjoying every single second he has with Taemin before it all ends. 

And there’s really nothing he enjoys more in the world than just talking with Taemin. They talk about everything - their family, their friends, silly stories from their past - but mostly, they talk about the precious memories they shared together.

Their awkward first meeting. Their first kiss. The giddiness they both felt the first time they’re holding hands. The first time they slept together and how they went for several rounds until morning just because they couldn’t get enough of each other - and they can’t stop laughing when they also remember how the day after they were both suffering and had to slowly navigate around Jongin’s place like a couple of grandpas. 

They also talk about their first vacation together - they both had to be in Paris around the same time for different schedules, so they planned for a two nights escape from their schedules to sneak away to Colmar. It was in December so they got to visit christmas markets, went ice skating on the public rink, and for the first time, they got to hold hands and kiss in public without really worrying about getting caught.

Jongin doesn’t really want to keep track of the time, but by the time they arrive back in their villa, it’s already night time. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and when he opens his eyes, Taemin is just looking at him, smiling.

“Jongin-ah,” he says, standing up from where he’s sitting on the bed to pull Jongin into a hug, “we’ll be okay.”

“Do you really think we’ll meet again?” Jongin whispers to the hollow of Taemin’s neck.

“I do,” Taemin answers without missing a beat, his hair gently playing with Jongin’s hair. “We’ll definitely cross paths in the future and even if I forget everything about you, the moment we meet I believe I’ll know it’s you,” he adds with his clear and gentle voice, and Jongin wants to just listen to him talk forever. “Will you still want me though?” Taemin asks, and he can feel how Taemin’s breath catches from the way his shoulder tightens.

“Of course! I mean, for me it was love at first sight,” Jongin admits. “So even if I have no memories of you, if we meet again I’ll definitely fall in love with you.”

Taemin's fingers on his hair stills, and after a second he lets out a small chuckle, and drops a kiss on Jongin's hair.

"Well, the first time we met was all sort of awkward, don’t you think?" Taemin says, slightly pulling away to look up at Jongin. "I was so nervous when I tried to approach you and then when you first saw me you didn’t say anything for a few seconds and just, stared at me."

Jongin grins and leans down swiftly to capture Taemin's lips. “Told you it was love at first sight.”

“Shut up,” Taemin chuckles as he pulls away from the kiss. “You were so obvious that all my nervousness just melted away and I ended up wanting to tease you instead.”

“As if you’re not being obvious yourself,” Jongin smiles, reaching out his hand to Taemin's nape and pulling him into an embrace again. He puts his other hand around Taemin's back, and it takes approximately two seconds for Taemin to also bring his hand to circle around Jongin's waist, hugging him tightly. He buries his face on Jongin's shoulder and Jongin closes his eyes, trying his best to remember the feeling as much as he can. Jongin can never eloquently describe how much he feels for Taemin - love always seems to be too shallow to accurately describe what he’s feeling right now.

It’s as if they used to live in one body before it was violently ripped in two, and that’s why when they met each other for the first time back then, Jongin felt a rush of emotions he’d never felt before.

It could be love, or it could be just his soul recognizing Taemin’s soul as something familiar.

So Jongin follows his heart, softly cupping Taemin’s face with his hands and his heart hurts seeing how his large hands perfectly frame Taemin’s gorgeous face as if they’re exactly made for this purpose - to gently hold Taemin like this. 

And to see Taemin looking up at him, smiling even though his eyes are reflecting the same pain as he’s feeling, Jongin cannot resist the pull that leads them to move closer, closer, closer, _closer_ until Jongin can no longer tell where he ends and where Taemin begins.

* * *

It’s always like this - they always have this irrational need to be as close as possible with each other, always tried to fuck each other’s brain out - and even though having Taemin inside him like this always makes him feel like he’s going insane, Jongin thinks maybe it’s never about desire. As he sees Taemin, smiling up at him, his breath stuttered and his hand slightly trembles as he gently touches Jongin’s cheek, making sure that Jongin is okay, that Jongin isn’t hurt - maybe they’re just desperately trying to sew themselves back together, trying to get themselves to be one again.

Taemin then leans up to kiss him - a kiss that means so much more, as if it conveys how Taemin also wishes he could mold themselves together - and Jongin is trying not to think too much of it when he feels the friction from Taemin slowly pulling out halfway and pushing back again with more force. He gasps into their kiss - he throws his head back, closing his eyes, and he can literally see stars when Taemin speeds up the pace and the slow shallow thrusts turn faster and deeper.

When he opens his eyes again, Taemin is looking up at him, smiling softly even when Jongin also starts bouncing up and down with a force that is anything but soft.

It feels wonderful, Jongin thinks, as he slumps his head forward on Taemin's shoulder, trying to stay sane even though his thoughts got lost the moment Taemin's hand starts fisting around him. Taemin's hand is extremely warm and the sensation overload is edging on being too much, but what really kills him is how he can clearly hear Taemin’s heavy breath and it always messes up his mind. 

And then he hears it, the voice inside his brain that tells him that it’s time for them to separate and Jongin feels numb for a second. Taemin curses under his breath as he slows down his pace and Jongin can only laugh as he also tries to stop his hips from bouncing. He knows they’re both so close to release and it should be frustrating but apparently they can only laugh at the situation.

“What a timing,” Taemin says, looking unbelievably gorgeous as he holds Jongin’s gaze while trying to catch his breath, his lips still stretched from laughter. Jongin feels the burns in his heart because this might really be the last time he’d ever got to see this view, the last time they got to be this close with each other. He tries to be optimistic, tries to believe that miracles do happen but he can’t stop it when tears just fall down from his eyes again even as he smiles.

“I love you,” Jongin says even though he knows it's much _much_ more than just that, his voice cracking and it sounds awful but he doesn’t care, “I love you so much.”

But he knows Taemin understands it - he knows it when he sees Taemin smiling, reaching out his hands to cup at Jongin’s face, pulling him closer as he peppers little kisses all over his nose, his cheeks, his eyes, his lips, and Jongin closes his eyes, trying to imprint the softness of Taemin’s lips onto his brain.

“I love you too,” Taemin whispers as he gently wipes the tears from Jongin’s eyes. “I promise I will find you,” he adds, smiling but his eyes are glazed with unshed tears and Jongin can only smile back, reaching out his hands to softly stroke at his hair. “So please wait for me because I promise, we’ll meet again.”

“Yeah,” Jongin says, leaning down to kiss Taemin again. “We’ll meet again.”

* * *

Jongin is standing alone in a balcony of a fancy building overlooking the sea. The sky is so clear that he can count the stars, and Jongin thinks how weird it is that everything feels so real even though he knows it’s not.

He’s erasing someone from his memory - that’s what the guy in the lab coat told him when he suddenly woke up in this place around ten minutes ago, disoriented because he couldn’t remember anything. He’s on the last step, the guy said, supposedly in the memory where he met this person for the first time and Jongin doesn’t know what to expect. It’s not exactly a replay of the memory because he doesn’t remember a single thing about this person so in a way, it feels like really meeting someone for the first time and Jongin feels a little bit nervous.

He’s in Cannes, in some sort of an afterparty - he remembers this place from almost three years ago, when his movie was nominated for some awards. He strangely doesn’t remember a lot about this night so probably he did spend most of the night with this person. This person must be someone related to the film industry, and if he’s erasing this person from his memory, then this person must’ve been so awful that Jongin would rather forget everything about them. 

He can hear footsteps coming from behind him and Jongin closes his eyes, trying to calm his thoughts. 

“Hi,” an achingly familiar voice greets him and Jongin takes a deep breath before slightly turning his face to see a man who is now leaning on the balcony. 

And when he sees the face, Jongin's heart stops. 

He remembers exactly how it feels now, the first time he saw this man. With his short black hair that makes him look like he’s barely twenty, his small but visibly strong frame looking so sharp in the perfectly tailored suit that he’s wearing, and his beautiful smile with a warmth that reaches into his glimmering brown eyes, Jongin knows that for him, it was love at first sight.

Fuck, Jongin thinks, his heart aches with an unexplainable nostalgia and he’s sure now that the reason he’s trying to forget this man is definitely a case of heartbreak - for him to actually fall in love with another man is just a disaster waiting to happen.

“Hi,” Jongin smiles back at him even though he can feel the sting in the corner of his eyes, “can I help you?”

“Ah, I’m Korean too so we can speak in Korean”, the man tries to grin at him but it ends up looking like a grimace - he looks so nervous and awkward that Jongin almost feels sorry for him. “I just want to let you know that your performance in your movie is brilliant. I love it so much.”

“Oh, thank you, that’s really nice to hear that,” Jongin says, trying his best to keep his voice neutral. The man is looking at him nervously and Jongin knows that he should say something else to ease the awkwardness but he can feel the lump in his throat now and he can’t trust his voice to not be cracking.

“Ah, I’m sorry,” the man finally says after a while, “I just approached you like this without thinking. If you’re here then you must want to be alone.”

“No!” Jongin quickly reaches out his hand to hold at the man’s wrist before quickly letting go of it again. “I’m sorry, I’m just going through something.” Jongin clears his throat and tries to smile at him. “But I’d really appreciate a company, if you want to.”

The man then smiles kindly at him, and Jongin really has to hold his tears back now because the memories associated with that smile rushed through his brain like incomplete movie scenes and with it, an overwhelming love he’s feeling for this man. It feels almost like an all-consuming love, the kind that makes your heart burn because it’s too much and Jongin almost can understand why he went through this procedure just to forget this man. 

“Are you here for the festival too?” Jongin asks after they ended up just staring at each other for a few seconds, trying to make a conversation.

“Yeah, my work was nominated too,” the man grins more confidently now. “I’m a musician.”

Jongin smiles upon hearing that. “That’s fantastic,” Jongin compliments him. “For which movie?”

“It’s Halma, did you get to watch it?”

“Ah, it’s the indie Spanish movie right?” Jongin guesses, trying to remember all the movies he watched during all those screenings in Cannes three years ago.

“Yeah!” the man’s grin turns into a wide open-mouthed smile. He looks so cute and adorable and Jongin’s heart is fluttering with warmth. “I’m glad you remember the movie.”

“The music was definitely memorable.” Jongin smiles again, “I especially love the song that was played when they’re trying to catch the train and almost missed it - the accompanying music was so satisfying and it made everything more intense.”

The man looks at him with literal sparkles in his eyes, as if what Jongin just said had made him so happy, and Jongin can’t help it when tears just start flowing from his eyes - he loves this man so much it physically hurts his heart to think that in a few minutes, he’d lost everything he feels. He knows that he’d never felt like this towards anyone else before and he also knows that it will probably never happen again.

“Are you okay?” the man asks him, looking hesitant before taking out a handkerchief from his pocket and offers it to Jongin. Jongin smiles at him as he takes the handkerchief, wiping away the tears from his face.

“Thank you,” Jongin says, looking at the man again after he blinks away the remaining tears, “it had been a rough day for me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the man smiles at him. “Can I do something to make you feel any better?”

Jongin smiles back at him, thinking that maybe it’s okay for him to be selfish, after all this is just happening inside his memory. “I could really use a hug right now.”

The man smiles even brighter and oh, how Jongin wishes he could at least bring this memory with him when he wakes up. “I’m probably not a good hugger but I can definitely give one,” he says, reaching out his arms around Jongin’s shoulders to pull him into his chest and Jongin just melts into the hug, circling his arms around his waist.

This man is smaller than him, and he’s definitely tense and not used to giving out hugs, but somehow, Jongin feels so safe and comfortable in his hug. 

“Thank you,” Jongin murmurs as he buries his head on the man’s shoulder. He smells really nice, like some kind of flower he couldn’t really identify but it definitely feels familiar to him.

“You’re welcome,” the man says again, his fingers still felt hesitant to Jongin as they gently dance across the back of Jongin’s neck. “Your hug is so nice that it makes me feel like I need this hug as much as you do.”

“Yeah?” Jongin murmurs again, tightening his hold around the man’s waist, “Maybe you do need to hug more often, you feel so tense all over.”

The man laughs and the sound feels like music to Jongin’s ear - it warms his heart but at the same time, it gives him a painful reminder that this is probably the last time he’d ever hear it in his life.

“Well, it’s not everyday that I get to meet someone who just asks me for a hug,” he says, a hint of laughter still laced to his voice. He has a really nice voice, Jongin thinks - his accent is a little bit too formal so he’s probably raised abroad, but there’s a nice tilt to his voice that makes it so pleasant to hear.

“So if someone just stops you on the street and asks for a hug, you will just give it to them?” Jongin asks, lifting his head up and moves back a little bit so he can look at the man’s face without letting go of the embrace.

The man still smiles but there’s an obvious teasing glint in his eyes and he looks so gorgeous that Jongin can’t help but feel weak in the knees - he’s so thankful that he’s still holding on to him because otherwise he might lose his balance and just fall.

“You really are something else, aren’t you?” he says, looking so fondly at Jongin as if he knows that this isn’t the first time they’re meeting, and Jongin can’t help it when another drop of tear escapes from his eye.

“Ahh, why are you crying again, really,” the man adds, this time while also gently using his finger to catch Jongin’s tears and it only makes the tears come out more and he visibly panics. “Really, Kim Jongin, do you need me to call someone?”

Jongin smiles and shakes his head. “No, I’m alright. I’m really sorry for being like this.”

The man smiles back as he uses the back of his suit sleeve to dab at Jongin’s face, and Jongin just closes his eyes, enjoying the tenderness and care. No wonder he’s so in love with this man, Jongin thinks. He can feel the genuine kindness and his pure heart behind his awkwardness, and even now, as he opens his eyes and sees how the man is looking at him so gently, Jongin is just so helplessly in love.

“Did anyone ever tell you that your eyes are so beautiful?” Jongin blurts out without thinking, and as soon as the question leaves his mouth he feels mortified because how can he say it to someone he supposedly just met and he can feel the heat going to his cheek.

The man even looks surprised himself, his eyes widen for a second but then he just laughs again.

“Oh my God,” he says in between his laughter, covering his mouth with the back of his hand to cover his laugh, “Kim Jongin, you _really_ are something else.”

Jongin smiles this time, about to counter back when he realizes that he doesn’t know this man’s name yet.

“By the way, you haven’t even told me your name,” Jongin says, and the man lowers down his hand only to put it on Jongin’s shoulder again.

“Right, who knew that I’ll be having the longest hug in my life with someone who doesn’t even know my name yet,” he answers with a light chuckle, and Jongin just realizes that his hands are still circling almost possessively around his waist. He grins at him but before he could say anything about it, he can feel the ground shifting beneath him and suddenly, everything turns black.

* * *

Incessant beeps from his phone pulls Jongin out from his struggle to sleep - the rays of sunshine seeping through his curtains indicates that it’s already morning anyway and he should probably wake up, but he’s so tired he can barely move. He’s trying hard to cling to any remnant of his dreamscape before his phone started to receive notifications again - he groans as he finally wills himself to shoves away the blanket and blindly reaches out to find his glasses on the nightstand, and once he can finally see clearly he sits up and walks to the dressing table where he left his phone the night before. 

There are a lot of notifications but most are from his manager. The variations of ‘where are you’ and ‘i’m worried’ and ‘call me please’ - Jongin quickly types up a reply, telling his manager that he’s okay, he’s in his Pyeongchang house instead of the apartment in Samseong, and that he will contact his manager again on Monday.

Jongin doesn’t wait for the reply before he turns off the phone and leaves it at the table - he takes a look at the mirror and he grimaces at the state of his hair and his dull face. He initially wants to just take his jumper and mask and go to his favorite bakery to buy something to eat before he sleeps again, but seeing his own reflection he decides to take a proper shower first.

He closes his eyes as he lets the streams of water pour over him - he always likes showers and the woody scents of the shampoo and shower gel he’s been using - he really likes how the scent actually lifts up his mood in the morning and allows him to relax in the night. What he doesn’t like though, is how the scent also evoked some unexplainable feeling in his chest - it’s a lot like wistfulness, like longing, but for what, Jongin doesn’t understand. 

It’s the same way with a lot of things he owns - the perfume he’s using, the row of scented candles by the fireplace - they’re all new stuffs he probably only start using in the past few years even though he couldn’t exactly remember when, and it disturbs him how all those smells somehow conjure up a sense of nostalgia, but he can never place them in his memory. 

It’s as if his brain and heart are operating on different instructions - his brain cannot pull out the memory but his heart somehow remembers the feelings, the emotions. Like, Jongin doesn’t even remember nor does he understand why in this house he owns a proper coffee machine and stacks of premium coffee beans from all over the world when he doesn't even like coffee in the first place - but he knows somehow he grew to like the smell of coffee, and he remembers how he loved to just stay there while sipping his own cup of tea, trying to empty his head and not thinking of anything.

Jongin sighs as he finishes his shower, quickly drying his hair as he looks at his reflection in the mirror. He definitely looks better now after the shower, but he still hates how puffy his eyes look no matter how diligently he’d been using this expensive eye cream recommended by his stylist. It won’t help, he thinks, if he’s still waking up in the middle of the night just to cry and he didn’t even know why. He’s been feeling this overwhelming sadness that he can’t really explain - it started one summer morning around three months ago, when he woke up here in this house, feeling lost and crying for hours about things he couldn’t even remember. He remembers talking to his manager about it, and Wonshik only said that probably Jongin should not stay in this house for a while - saying that he’s probably stressed out because of his work and he needed a change of environment.

But it didn’t stop - it doesn’t stop even until now. And now he’s back in this house again for the first time after that, he feels it more intensely, if that’s even possible. It feels as if this house reeks of memories he cannot recall - it’s as if he’s visiting someone else’s house. 

He’s straightening up the jacket he just picked from the rack and he stops when he walks past the baby grand he has in his living room. He has a vivid recollection of someone playing the piano but for the love of God, he cannot recall the person at all. It could be Moonkyu, or it could even be his sister, but Jongin knows it’s not either of them. He’s feeling this warmth in his heart, something he doesn’t remember ever feeling about someone, and it makes him want to cry again so he quickly walks away to the front door.

Last night he was at some function after the premiere of a movie his director friend is working on, and somehow during the function he felt a sudden wave of homesickness and that’s why he decided to come back to this house last night. He thought it was because he’d been staying too long in the apartment provided by his agency and he missed his own house, but he doesn’t even know anymore.

He winces as he opens the gate and the cold autumn wind sweeps across his face - he just realizes that he doesn’t wear a mask but he’s too lazy to go back up to his room. It actually feels refreshing to walk like this, and as he walks further down the road, he decides to go to Mondi instead of the bakery. He doesn’t remember ever visiting that coffee shop even though he remembers passing by it several times, but in his house there’s several packs of coffee from their shop so Jongin figures maybe he’d been there before and he just couldn’t remember.

Jongin knows he should probably seek help and find a therapist because there’s definitely something wrong with his mental health, but he doesn’t even know how to start. He wanted to talk with Wonshik about this, but in the past few months it almost felt to him like Wonshik himself is having a difficult time and Jongin doesn’t want to burden him with his problem.

He’s still caught up in his thought when suddenly he faintly hears a voice - there’s something weirdly familiar about the voice, even though when Jongin realizes a second later that it’s in Japanese, and when Jongin looks up to see the source of the voice, his heart stops for a second.

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn’t realize he’s arrived at the coffee shop, which is apparently closed today, but more importantly, there’s someone standing in front of the coffee shop and Jongin swears his heart suddenly beats faster even though he barely even gets a glimpse of their face.

“Is it closed?” Jongin asks, and then when the person turns to face him, smiling regretfully as he answers Jongin’s question. “Ah, yes, it’s closed for today,” he says, and Jongin can only hold his breath as he looks at him because God, he’s stunningly beautiful.

“That’s too bad,” Jongin smiles back. “I was really looking forward to trying their drinks.”

They talk a little bit more - Jongin even managed to make him laugh and his laugh is _really pretty_ \- but then the man has to go somewhere else. They say their goodbyes, and as Jongin watches his back as he walks away, he’s suddenly overwhelmed with a sudden wave of sadness, as if it’s not the first time he’s seeing this man walk away from him and he doesn’t want it to ever happen again. It’s so weird how much Jongin wants to stop him, wants to make sure that they’ll meet again, _wants to know his name_ \- and then the man just stops walking.

Jongin waits with a bated breath and when the man turns around, slightly smiling and cutely waving his hand, Jongin can only smile back, watching him until he disappears from Jongin’s line of sight.

He feels a twinge of melancholy tugging at his heart, but somehow he knows that they’ll meet again. Maybe another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another difficult chapter to write ;; my english is slipping really i should’ve avoided trying to write anything with a heavy plot line hahah i hope the plot in this one makes sense.  
> i think i really miss writing something lighthearted which i will definitely do after i wrap up this story :3
> 
> but yeah, finally now we’re back at the start! so next chapter will continue from where it was cut off in the first chapter - it will also be the last chapter!  
> please let me know if you have any comments! see you again next chapter, hopefully it won't take as long as this one <3


	4. Chapter 4

Everything around him is so quiet, as if his world just stops moving, as if the ghosts of those irretrievable memories that never cease to run inside his mind just stops, silently watching as he squeezes through the layer of layers of the tight heat that almost burns him and yet he keeps pushing, compelled by the promise of ecstasy dancing on those hauntingly beautiful eyes.

_ Beautiful. _

_ He’s so beautiful. _

It’s nothing short of maddening - the gorgeous curve from his broad shoulder down to his small waist, the sharp angle of his side profile as he slightly turns his head back, trying to look up at him with his half-lidded eyes peeking through the flutters of his long lashes - he knows that Lee Taemin is a beautiful man and he knows that he is neither the first nor the only person to ever see him like this, but how he wish he could tell the heavens that Taemin is his - that he’s made for him and how every other souls who had dared to try and claim him before were all sinners and should be purged for their impudence.

Because those eyes are looking at him as if telling him that this is the first time in his life that he’s experiencing  _ this _ , that all that came before him weren’t even close and doesn’t matter in the least, and it’s him and only him that could ever truly give him what he needs.

He leans down and wraps his arm around Taemin’s torso, pulling him up and it brings something visceral inside him once he feels Taemin’s back leaning on his naked chest, as if this is how it should be, always, because they used to be one before the Gods ripped them apart and damning them to feel incomplete their whole life until they found each other.

“I feel so full,” Taemin whispers, his voice raspy. “I feel you in my whole body, in my blood, in my head, I feel you everywhere.”

“Is that a good thing?” Jongin asks as he peppers him with comforting kisses on his neck. 

“Very,” Taemin mumbles in agreement, his body melts into Jongin’s hold. Taemin moves one of his hands to his own belly, obviously feeling the slight bulge from how deep Jongin is buried inside him. It sends shivers down his spine, and even more when he moves one of his hands to rest on top of Taemin's, lightly interlacing their fingers and he sees how Taemin's hand completely disappears under his larger one.

He imagines wrapping his hands around Taemin's neck instead, blocking out the airways to his throat as he desperately begs Jongin to give him his release and he thinks, maybe another time.

For now, he should focus on making Taemin feel relaxed and comfortable because he said that it’s been awhile since he got this intimate with anyone, let alone being on the receiving end. He’s been trying his best to hold back - if it’s just another hook up, he’d just fuck Taemin fast and quick to get it done with. But there’s something about Taemin, from how his eyes literally twinkle as if there's a universe inside them, to how his cute hand always covers his mouth when he's laughing even though Jongin thinks that his laughs are the prettiest things, that makes his heart hurt with something he can’t quite define.

It couldn’t be love. 

“Taemin-ah, turn around and face me, yeah?”

Taemin hums as he slowly raises his hips and Jongin closes his eyes - it’s been a while for him too that he almost doesn’t remember if it has always been this intense, if it’s normal for him to feel not only the pleasure building up deep in his stomach but also the warmth spreading through his veins. It’s really the result of having to move this slow, he thinks, being able to feel almost every inch of Taemin’s move, that’s making him feel too many things at the same time.

Jongin opens his eyes when he feels that he’s slipped out completely from Taemin, looking up as Taemin straddles him with his legs each planted next to his side, his lips stretched in a lazy teasing smile as he moves closer to take Jongin on his hand again. He’s so hard it’s almost painful even though Taemin is holding him gently, and even though Jongin has anticipated the contact, it still forces the breath out of his lungs when Taemin sinks himself onto him. 

It’s way more intense having Taemin like this - being able to see his face as he’s pushing down slowly, obviously enjoying the burns of it while keeping his eyes on Jongin all the time, a pleased grin plastered on his lips showing how well he knows that all these slow movements is driving Jongin crazy. Jongin slightly lifts his hips up to encourage Taemin to move faster, but Taemin just chuckles as he shakes his head.

“Let me enjoy this,” Taemin chastises him, half smiling half pouting as he sinks himself deeper without breaking eye contact, only closing his eyes once Jongin is fully inside him and Jongin can only stare at him, mesmerized. It’s so conflicting, how he looks ethereal, like how Jongin always picture angels would look like that it almost feels like he’s committing a sin, like he’s tainting something that’s supposed to be kept pure, but then Taemin opens his eyes and Jongin sees how he’s unabashedly basking himself in pleasure. 

He’s reminded of a Bernini statue he once saw in a chapel in Rome, and he laughs inwardly thinking that this is the sin that will make him burn in the fiery pits of hell, for comparing their carnal intercourse to something as sacred and holy as a saint being blessed by a divine power. But for him, this is holy, and sacred, and the way Taemin smiles softly at him, spreading comforting warmth through his veins even though everything around them is burning with lust and passion is as close as he ever gets to feeling any sort of spiritual pleasure and Jongin thinks even any commination of eternal damnation won’t stop him from trying to preserve this.

No, it couldn’t be love. It shouldn’t be.

They literally just met this morning, only talked for about a few hours and that’s it. If anything, it’s just a crush combined with a rush of desire that  _ might _ turn into something more because it is simply impossible not to be drawn to Taemin’s charms. He has probably thousands of fans crushing on him and yet here he is acting as if Jongin’s crush is the only one he wants - Jongin is definitely on a high because his desire isn’t one sided and he’s currently having what is probably the most fantastic time in his life.

“Jongin,” Taemin sighs out his name softly and Jongin pulls him closer, pressing their bodies close against each other. There’s a few seconds of silence as Jongin looks up to him, counting the scattered tiny moles around his cheek, his nose, his mouth, forming a constellation of stars before Taemin reaches out to frame Jongin’s face in his hands, leaning down to press his mouth on Jongin’s forehead, moving down to the bridge of his nose, until he stops at his mouth. 

“Kiss me.”

Yeah, it’s perfectly normal to feel so helpless like this, Jongin thinks, as he closes his eyes and loses himself in the softness of Taemin’s lips, swallowing every pleased sighs and stifled moans that comes out from his mouth as Taemin starts riding on Jongin’s lap leisurely, almost teasingly slowly, his hips moving up and down in a gracefully controlled movement, almost like a choreographed dance routine.

Jongin thinks he’s going to explode.

“God, you are so beautiful,” he says as he travels down to mouth the skin on Taemin’s neck. “You are so beautiful that I want to put you on a pedestal so no one can touch you except me and now my mind is filled with all sorts of things I want to do to you that makes me sound like a criminal.”

Taemin chokes out a stifled laugh but he doesn’t even try to restrain the moans that follows, and there’s a violent shiver running through his body that Jongin can even feel - he’d guessed it before but it’s actually true, Taemin likes it when he’s being praised, and he likes it even more when Jongin is getting just a little bit mad because of him. 

Fuck.

Jongin doesn’t know how he knows it, probably he’s just unconsciously guessing from the way Taemin acts, but he doesn’t care - Taemin really is everything he ever wants, he’s  _ perfect _ .

“Tell me,” Taemin breathes out, his hands are now scratching and clutching at the short hairs on Jongin’s nape almost painfully, as if he also knows that it’s exactly what Jongin wants, while his voice is almost pleading when he says, “tell me what you want to do to me.” 

“Everything I have in my mind sounds like a psychotic plan to keep you mine and mine alone. I don’t think I want to ever let you know,” Jongin whispers, slightly pulling back so he can look Taemin in the face again. “Wouldn’t want you to run away from me so soon.”

“I won’t,” Taemin smiles, his hands move down from Jongin’s nape to wrap around his neck, not even squeezing, just loosely wrapped with his thumbs slightly pressing on his larynx but Jongin already feels like he can’t breathe. He leans down to touch their lips together again, and he speaks to Jongin’s mouth, “I’d even let you cut my chest open, carve your name in my heart so no one can ever claim me ever again without ripping it out of my chest.”

Taemin then kisses him, surprisingly tender considering what he just said out loud, and Jongin can’t hold back the quiet growl that goes up from his throat, he can feel the molten lava that unfurls from his belly and it’s almost too much - his whole body is burning up and he feels like he’s on the edge of release but Taemin just moves too slow, his hips are moving too slow and the kisses are too gentle - he’s excruciatingly slow that it almost feels like torture so he moves his hands down from Taemin’s back to grip at his hips, holding them still as he pulls out almost entirely and slamming back again with enough force to make Taemin gasps into the kiss.

All the slow pace and tender touches are definitely messing with his brain and makes him think of his desire and infatuation as something more than it actually is. He truly likes Taemin, he looks forward to knowing more about him, he’s excited with the prospect of courting him and probably having a relationship with him, but right now, what he feels is not love.

It couldn’t be love. It shouldn't be.

But he still can’t explain why his heart almost leapt out of his chest when he saw the surprised look on Taemin’s face when Jongin suddenly appeared on his table at the restaurant this evening, the way he looked at Jongin with something so familiar but at the same time he couldn’t place - and Jongin swears he must’ve been looking at Taemin the same way.

It’s like he can see how they’re both having the same pain, something that no one else could ever understand because it’s something that only they have.

“Jongin.” Taemin is clutching tightly at Jongin’s back now, so tight that Jongin can feel the slight pain from his skin breaking under Taemin’s blunt nails. “Closer.”

He shouldn’t know what taemin means - they’re as close as they can be, they’re literally pressed against each other and Jongin is as deep inside him as he possibly can but he understands how this is not enough, how there’s still this irrational need he’s having, to be even closer even though he doesn’t know how. 

“How close?” Jongin whispers as his lips travel down to Taemin’s neck again and he stops there, burying his nose in the strangely familiar and comforting scent of Taemin’s sweat. “How much closer?”

“So close until we melt together.”

And his heart burns - the nagging pain in his heart that never really goes away, the nagging pain that always exists even when he's at his happiest, it burns as if it finally finds its cure.

Maybe because it's the pain from when the Gods split their souls into two.

And now they’re here, desperately trying to stitch their souls back together just so that the pain would finally stop and they could finally feel whole again.

* * *

The weather is cold, too cold for what’s supposedly a nice afternoon in late October, but he’s currently wearing a very warm cashmere sweater that feels really nice on his skin so he can’t really complain. His hands are swallowed by the long sleeve, because it’s probably about two size bigger than what he usually wears, but it looks nice on him - now he kind of understands the appeal for the oversized ‘boyfriend’ fits, because it does feel comfortable, especially when it really is something that he stole from his boyfriend’s closet.

He stifles a laugh - even he feels silly for being this excited just because he’s wearing Jongin’s sweater - and Jongin’s t-shirt, and pants, and a pair of an unopened fancy briefs - which was unavoidable given last night he just ruined his pants and Jongin also kind of ripped his shirt so he’s left with nothing to wear except for his leather jacket.

And God, did he really just get a new boyfriend? He knows that he can be very impulsive but it sounds too reckless and irresponsible to actually start a relationship with someone he just met  _ yesterday _ , but he cannot pretend that he didn’t want it - he wants, God, he really wants him - his beautiful smile, his soothing voice, his kind and honest eyes, the way he looked at Taemin as if he’d found something he’d been looking for all his life, the way Jongin just seems to understand him - he can even still feel the phantom sensation from last night, from how good Jongin was in giving Taemin what he wants, how he knew exactly what Taemin needs - 

Kibum will kill him, really. He didn’t just sleep with a stranger, he actually  _ proposed _ to the said stranger. He’s lucky that somehow Jongin understood what he meant instead of feeling creeped out - even though in all fairness he should have felt creeped out because how could it be possible for anyone to feel this much for someone they just met less than a day ago. 

Maybe it’s the way Jongin was looking at him - he’s so obviously smitten with him for whatever reason and Taemin found it so endearing how Jongin didn’t even try to hide it. It’s not even lust or desire - what he saw in Jongin’s eyes was something much warmer, much softer but at the same time, it’s weighed in an unfathomable pain that Taemin could almost relate to.

It’s weird, and bizzare, and probably should be alarming, but Taemin is happy. Happy in a way he hasn’t been feeling for a while so yeah, he’s not about to deny himself this.

“Taeminnie! Good afternoon!” a voice greets him as he enters the coffee shop - which is empty except for a few customers scattered all over the place. Taemin smiles and returns the greeting, walking up to the counter to place his order. 

“It’s been a while since I saw you, have you been well?”

Taemin smiles at that - the lady owner has always been kind to him. “Yes, thank you. I’ve been busy with work in Japan and only got the chance to come back here.”

“That’s great,” she smiles happily. “Are you by yourself today?”

Taemin frowns for a second - he doesn’t remember ever bringing anyone else with him to Mondi, well, except for Kibum like very long time ago, so for the owner to ask him that is honestly really weird.

“Why, do you expect me to come with a date?” Taemin feigns a laugh as he teases her, trying to sound as casual as possible despite the confusion. 

“Of course I do!” she exclaims happily. “Anyway, do you want your usual order? Cold brew, black?”

“Ah, yes, and also,” Taemin suddenly feels shy as he adds in a smaller voice, “I'd also like to order one hot tea because I indeed have a date waiting for me.”

She laughs at that, saying, “What are you being shy for!” and turns around to bring forth two large brightly colored tins of tea. “Is it Euphoria or Anastasia for today?”

Taemin blinks - when he told Jongin the brand of tea that the coffee shop carries, he immediately said that he really likes those two flavours and asked Taemin to order one of them.

“I’d like to order Euphoria please.” Taemin says and the owner smiles as she writes down the order on the cup and goes to the register. Taemin hesitates a little bit as he opens the app on his phone to pay - he wants to ask her how she knew that’s what he’s going to order when there’s at least twenty other flavors of the tea and he never once ordered anything but coffee from this place, but he decides against it and quickly finish up his order and sits down at the counter as he waits.

He feels uneasiness creeping up on him - the way she framed the question made it sound like it’s not the first time he’s ordering tea, and it’s always been between those two. 

Is he forgetting something again?

Taemin forgets a lot of things. His life these past few years went like a blur - he barely remembers things that happened that it almost felt like he’d just skipped a few years of his life and now he’s here at this moment, stuck in a headspace where he doesn’t even know where he wants to go.

He had thought that it’s weird but he didn’t even know how to explain to others - it’s not like he has amnesia or something, he remembers all the important moments that happened, he remembers all his works, but it’s just his brain refuses to call some part of his memories that is more personal. Maybe because it’s too insignificant - he was probably too busy that he barely had time for himself - but he can’t deny that a part of him knew that he’s forgetting something important.

He sighs - these past few months he felt incredibly lonely, even when he has Kibum checking on him everyday. He felt like he’s eternally trapped in a liminal space, if that even makes any sense. That his life right now is just him moving on, a temporary phase he has to go through before he could get to the next phase, but what is the next phase in his life? And more importantly, what is it that he’s trying to move on from? What is it that he’s trying to leave? 

“Are you okay?” the owner’s voice pulls him out from his thoughts. She’s currently steeping the tea in the counter, and she’s looking at Taemin with slight worry in her face. “You look troubled.”

“Ah, I’m okay, just a little bit tired.” Taemin shakes his head and smiles at her and he shifts his gaze to the tea. “The tea smells really good.”

“It’s his favourite, isn’t it?” she asks and Taemin’s breath stops. “I still remember when he told me that he discovered this brand while on a trip to a small city in France.”

_ No way, no way. _

“He never told you?” she smiles when Taemin doesn’t answer his question. “He said he first tried this tea in a christmas market in France - in Colmar I guess?”

Taemin’s head hurts as if he’s been hit by a hammer from inside his skull and he can feel it, he can feel the memories trying to break through and it points down to one and one name only.

“Wait, this date you’re talking about, it’s Jongin, right?”

Taemin blinks again, trying to regain his composure and tries to fake a smile even though he can feel like his world is crashing down at an alarming speed. He needs to get out of here fast.

“Yes, it’s Jongin.”

“Gosh, I was worried for a second,” she says with a sigh, relief evident on her face. “So here’s your order! Please tell Jongin I miss him, okay? And he’s always welcome to visit here even when you’re not around.”

Taemin can only smile again as he quickly gathers his orders and says his goodbye. He tries to hold himself together the best as he can, regulating his breath despite the panic he’s experiencing - he should’ve known that something was not right, he should’ve known it from the first time he heard Jongin’s voice, turned his face to look at him, and got his breath stolen from his lungs right away and it wasn’t just because how beautiful Jongin was. He should’ve known it from when he heard ‘Kim Jongin’ for the first time, how the first time he tried saying it out loud it almost felt like he’d been saying it thousands of times before. How this morning, when he touched the keys on Jongin’s baby grand for the first time, his heart almost dropped to his feet because his fingers  _ remembered _ \- it screamed to him that it was not the first time he played that piano.

But he had dismissed it, thinking that he was just still caught in the moment from how passionate and intimate they were last night - maybe last night was magical because his body remembered everything about Jongin, had been longing for his touch because Jongin used to be the one he’s spending his nights with.

Taemin looks at the car waiting across the street, where behind the heavily tinted glass Jongin is waiting for him. 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he walks to the car. Jongin opens the door to the passenger seat from the inside and Taemin carefully sits down, placing their drinks in the cup holders on the center console before turning to face Jongin.

Was Jongin pretending not to know him?

“What happened?” Jongin asks, probably noticing the distraught expression on Taemin’s face. He takes Taemin’s hand in his and Taemin automatically squeezes it. 

“I’m going to ask you a question, but can you promise that you will be honest with me?” Taemin asks, silently marveling at how he can breathe normally again once he can feel Jongin’s presence.

But then Jongin looks worried, his fingers reach out to sweep away the bangs covering Taemin's eyes.

“Of course,” Jongin smiles at him kindly but he can’t hide the worry in his eyes. “What is it?”

“Have we met before?”

Jongin’s eyes grow bigger as he looks at him and Taemin tries to find any sign that could let him know if Jongin actually knows something, but he couldn’t find any - Jongin just looks extremely confused. He quickly smiles again though as he squeezes Taemin’s hand gently. 

“You mean before yesterday? I think I’d remember it if we had.”

So if Jongin also doesn’t remember, then what actually happened? Did they just come to a mutual agreement to forget everything about each other? How is that even possible? He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he asks again, “Then why did the cafe owner think that we’re dating?”

Jongin blinks.

“Did they recognize my car and saw you coming out of it?” Jongin ‘s smile turns into a wince. “Shit, sorry, I hope it won’t get out to the media or SNS.”

Taemin shakes his head, panic rising inside him again now that he thinks Jongin is most likely as clueless as he is. “That’s not what I’m worried about. She also knew I was going to order this exact tea, and she mentioned that it’s your favourite.”

“That’s not possible, I can’t even recall if I ever visited that place,” Jongin says, no longer smiling this time. “Did she say anything else?”

Taemin nods, feeling increasingly more nervous. “Apparently you even told her the first time you had this tea was during a trip to France.”

Jongin frowns. “No one knows about it. I didn’t even tell my manager about that trip.”

“Was it in Colmar, in December, two years ago?”

Now Jongin visibly pales - if before he looked confused, now he’s definitely panicking and Taemin wonders himself how can he read Jongin so easily like this. He can feel a massive headache coming to him again.

“How - how do you know?”

“Because I went there too,” Taemin explains, the memories from that trip coming back to his brain, but it appears patchy and incomplete, like most of his memories. “I went to Colmar for three days in December two years ago, and I couldn’t remember most of it and it had been bugging me because there was really no reason for me to go there by myself.”

“I -,” Jongin starts, his voice is slightly trembling now and he’s letting go of Taemin’s hand to look at his phone - Taemin can see that he’s opening his email app and searches for Colmar - it doesn’t come out with anything. He then types ‘paris december 2018’ - and he opens what looks like an email with his boarding pass. “Please don’t tell me you went there sometime between the tenth and seventeenth.”

Taemin opens his own email app and when he searches for Colmar, it does show up a booking confirmation for an accommodation for two nights.

“I was there from the fourteenth to sixteenth.” Taemin opens the details. “Friday to Sunday.”

“No way…” Jongin is still looking at his phone, typing ‘taemin’ on his email app and it shows nothing. “Something is wrong, very wrong.”

“Were we really dating before?” Jongin asks again, looking at Taemin now and Taemin doesn’t even know what to say, what to do, how to react....

It’s so absurd - it almost felt like an elaborate prank if not for how his heart has been telling him that Jongin is someone he’s been longing for. He’d even thought that their meeting was some soulmate-y shit, that his heart just recognized it when he finally found his other half.

Apparently it wasn’t - his heart just remembers what his brain is trying to forget.

His heart remembers that he’s in love with Jongin, and whatever happened between them that made them forget each other like this, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still in love with him.

And he can feel overwhelming emotions washed over him like a tidal wave - happiness, sadness, insecurities, longing, desire - everything mixed into one huge pile of nostalgia for something he can’t recall no matter how hard he tries..

“I don’t know,” Taemin finally answers, slightly smiling. “I’m still trying to understand what is happening but I really don’t know where to start and it’s kind of scary.” 

Jongin blinks - and then he smiles back, even though it looks more like a grimace. “Yeah, I guess it is scary, being unable to recall anything from your memory but everything suggests that it happened.” 

He closes his eyes and curses under his breath, and Taemin also closes his eyes while taking a deep breath - he feels drained and tired and wants nothing but to curl up in his bed, sleep it off and wake up later to find out this is all just a weird dream. 

But he knows it’s not a dream, that it’s most likely true, because it also explains why Kibum has been weirdly attentive to him. Kibum has always taking good care of him, but for these past few months, he’d been constantly checking up on him - he’d also been very hesitant when Jonghyun called him and asked him to let Taemin perform with SPO - Taemin had thought that it’s because Kibum was worried that Taemin would neglect his work in Japan, but now he thinks it’s because he’s worried that coming to Seoul would remind Taemin of something he shouldn’t be remembering.

He should call Kibum right now and ask him to explain what happened.

“Hi, Wonshik, can we talk?” Jongin’s voice pulls Taemin out of his thoughts, and when he opens his eyes and looks at Jongin, he’s on a phone call with someone - his airpods perched on his ears while his phone on the dashboard shows that he’s on call with someone named ‘Kim Wonshik’.

“I’m with Taemin, right now,” Jongin speaks again, and Taemin can notice the panic and frustration in his voice. “Is there anything you want to tell me about us?” 

“How can I calm down??” Jongin snaps after a while, and Taemin closes his eyes again as he listens to his rant. “These past few months I thought I was going crazy because I don’t know why I have packs of coffee in my kitchen when I didn’t even drink coffee, why I suddenly have lots of scented candles scattered around my house, why do I constantly feel like I’m forgetting something important in my life...”

And then he cries. Taemin opens his eyes and he sees Jongin cry. A silent cry but his whole body is wrecking from the force of it. He buries his head on his hand on the steering wheel, letting out shaky breaths and when he talks again, his voice is breaking.

“I have no memories about him but my heart remembers, Wonshik, my heart remembers how much I love him and it’s terrifying.”

Taemin can feel how his heart is clenching so painfully that the pain even goes to his throat as if choking him. Seeing Jongin cry like this makes him feel like it’s his world that is falling apart, and he can feel how his arms are aching to just hold him tight until he stops crying.

But he stops himself - he doesn't know the boundaries right now, doesn't know if Jongin will still allow him to touch him or not after all this. 

“Okay, we'll wait for you.”

Jongin finally ends the call but he still buries his face on his hand. He's no longer visibly shaking but Taemin can still hear the sniffles and the unevenness of his breath.

“Jongin-ah,” Taemin starts after a while, forcing his voice to come out even though it's difficult with how his throat feels like closing up, “are you okay?”

Jongin shakes his head.

“I tried my best not to cry but I couldn't stop it.”

“Of course you'd cry, it's been some difficult months, right?” Taemin tries to console him. “I also feel the same with you, feeling like my life was missing something important that I couldn't explain so yeah, I feel like crying too.”

“But you're not crying.” Taemin can somehow hear the pout in his voice and he couldn't help but feel a swell of affection growing inside his chest.

“How do you know? You're not even looking at me.”

“And you didn't just say something so embarrassing like I just did.”

“What embarrassing--” Taemin stops. “Oh, well, just this morning I literally said that I will say yes if you propose to me, so I too kind of embarrassingly confessed how much I like you already, no?”

There’s a few seconds of silence before Jongin gives him a response. “Yeah, you did.” 

Taemin can now hear the smile in Jongin's voice, and he can feel his heart beat faster when Jongin slowly turns his face to Taemin, eyes are still swollen and there's a red spot cutely adorning the tip of his nose. Taemin smiles and he takes a few sheets of tissue and reaches out to wipe his tears, and Jongin closes his eyes.

He's so beautiful, Taemin thinks, while he gently pats the tissue around Jongin’s eyes. 

“You're not crying,” Jongin says, opening his eyes slowly and there’s a slight pout on his lips.

“I did, I just recovered quickly.” Taemin smiles and he moves closer to drop a kiss on Jongin’s forehead. Jongin still looks like he’s sulking but then he smiles - a smile so beautiful that it washes away all the anxiety and fear that Taemin just felt.

“You’re a lousy liar.” There’s no malice in Jongin’s voice, just fondness and affection and Taemin thinks he’s going to be okay.

They’re going to be okay.

* * *

Taemin is now sitting in Jongin’s living room - the cold brew somehow doesn’t taste as good as he remembers but probably it’s because he can’t really concentrate on the taste right now. He looks at his phone screen where it still shows his chat with Kibum, who had confirmed to him that yes, he used to be in a relationship with Jongin and yes, they had some procedure done to their brain to forget each other, but he didn’t explain further and insisted that it’s better for Taemin to hear it directly from Jongin’s manager.

But now, after hearing Jongin’s manager - Wonshik - explaining everything, he still doesn’t really grasp the situation. 

So they were in a relationship for about two years and a half, had a horrible fight, and decided to erase each other from their memory because they couldn’t move on.

Taemin already guessed it, but it didn’t make it any easier when he heard it himself.

Wonshik didn’t really explain much because apparently they were very private with their relationship and didn’t share much with him either. He only insisted that they’re very much in love with one another, and they probably still are until the very end because they were trying to cancel the procedure but it was too late.

_ “... during the procedure your consciousness or something found each other and you talked and decided that the procedure was a mistake and you still want to be together but the process in your brain was already halfway done and it’s impossible to reverse it. You were able to talk with the scientists who did your procedures and ask them to let me and Kibum-ssi know that you both really wanted to stop it but you couldn’t.” _

That’s what Wonshik told them earlier, and he also said that he didn’t tell them earlier because they asked him to keep it a secret and only reveal it to them only if they meet each other and get in a relationship again on their own. They were both upset at first, but now he thinks he kind of understands the reasoning. He could imagine that if Kibum told him right away after the procedure about this, he would only get confused and when he met Jongin again, it’d probably be awkward because they already knew what happened between them.

And if that happened, he wouldn’t experience the wonderful feeling of meeting Jongin for the first time, slowly falling for his charm, and he wouldn’t be able to feel the nervous giddiness when they kissed for the first time.

Jongin is sitting beside him, sipping his own cup of tea, his knees folded up against his chest and his head resting on his arms as he looks outside the window. 

They’ve been sitting in silence for a while now, after Wonshik left them to talk and discuss everything between themselves. 

He also left them a business card - ‘Kim Jongdae, Lead Network Engineer’ is written on it along with ‘Lacuna, Inc., a Memory Management company’. He is supposedly the scientist who performed the memory wipe on them, and also the one who delivered their message to Wonshik. Apparently before the procedure, both of them had to record their consent as well as the reason why they would like to erase each other from their memory. Whether they want to know in detail about it or not, it’s up to them, and this Kim Jongdae has all the answers they needed if they decided to want to know.

But do they want to know? Or is it actually a chance for them to start everything anew, from the start? Isn’t it a good thing that they don’t remember that horrible fight that must’ve had hurt them so much that they decided to go through such an extreme procedure?

But what if it’s necessary for them to know? Without the memory to guide them on what worked and what didn’t in their relationship, aren’t they doomed to repeat the same mistake again and again?

He has a lot of things going through his mind, and it must’ve been the same with Jongin.

Taemin sighs - everything is too confusing and he remembers how Jongin said earlier in the car that he’s confused by the packs of coffee in his kitchen, the scented candles scattered around his house - there’s a row of used scented candles on top of the fireplace and all of them are Taemin’s favourite scents. He had wondered earlier this morning when he played the piano and there’s a half-empty jar of Midsummer’s Night just beside the music rack about how Jongin’s taste in scent perfectly matched him, but apparently it’s Taemin himself who’s leaving all sorts of things that he likes all over Jongin’s place.

“Do you like scented candles?” Jongin suddenly speaks and Taemin turns his gaze to face him - Jongin is looking at the fireplace with a small smile on his face and he probably notices how Taemin has been staring at it. “Yesterday was the first time I’ve been in this house after a while and I was so confused with all the scented candles everywhere. I thought they’re gifts from fans or something because I don’t remember ever indulging myself in scents.” 

Taemin couldn't help but laugh a little. “Yeah, I’m kind of an addict when it comes to scented candles.”

“Do you think it was you who left all these around?” Jongin turns to face him, a smile still gracing his lips.

“I think so?” Taemin smiles, reaching out his hand even though he’s a little hesitant but Jongin holds it immediately, washing away his doubt. “Some of those are my favourite brands,” he adds, squeezing Jongin’s hand slightly.

“So it's most likely that you're also the culprit who left stacks of coffee beans in my kitchen.” Jongin slightly pulls his hand towards him and Taemin scoots himself closer, leaning his head on Jongin's shoulder.

“Yeah, there's a high chance that it's me,” Taemin laughs again as he closes his eyes, enjoying the way Jongin's hand goes around his shoulder, pulling him closer. “Sorry I made your kitchen smells like coffee.”

“It's okay, I'm not fond of how it tastes but I kind of like the smell. It's always been comforting,” Jongin says, his hand gently plays with Taemin’s hair. “Could be because my subconscious associates it with you.”

Taemin lets out a small laugh at that and he snuggles closer, leaning his head on Jongin’s chest. They should be more cautious now that they know they’ve been in a relationship once and it ended horribly, but it’s difficult to do so when his whole being remembers how Jongin is his source of comfort. How everything about his touch, his scent, his voice feels soothing to him and he can’t imagine if he has to lose it again.

He doesn’t want to lose it again.

“You know, just a few weeks ago I remembered spending my last birthday by myself in a private resort in Krabi and wondering why would I even go that far by myself,” Jongin suddenly speaks. “Were you there with me?”

“Your birthday is in January, right?” Taemin asks back, remembering what Jongin told him yesterday when they chatted in the library. He indeed went to Krabi early this year - he thought he went there just to relax after his concert series in Bangkok but apparently he was probably there with Jongin. No wonder he remembers Krabi very fondly. 

“Yeah, it’s the fourteenth of January,” Jongin answers.

“I was already in Thailand for a series of concerts before that and I remember wondering why I would splurge by staying at a fancy Ritz-Carlton suite if I was by myself but now I have my justification.”

Jongin laughs at that.

“Yeah, it was a really beautiful resort. I remember the private infinity pool in the suite, overlooking the sea.”

“Ah, it’s too bad we don’t remember what happened,” Taemin muses, his hands tracing invisible patterns on Jongin’s chest. “If it’s to celebrate your birthday, then the sex must’ve been fantastic. We probably fucked in the pool. Or in the outdoor shower.”

Jongin laughs again, heartier this time, and his chest is vibrating under Taemin’s head.

“God, you really should take a walk and clear your head,” Jongin playfully chides him, a trace of laughter still can be heard in his voice. “But it’s not really a big deal, we can always go again.”

Taemin stops breathing for a second - he doesn’t know why but he can feel the wetness starting to form on the corners of his eyes as he asks hopefully, “Really?”

“Of course,” Jongin answers, and the way it doesn’t even take him a second of hesitation to say that really is easing away his anxiety. “We can always make new memories to replace those that we lost.”

“You’re so amazing,” Taemin smiles as he raises his head to look up at Jongin. “You’re so calm it helps ease my anxiety about all these.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m not anxious myself, after all now we know that we’ve had a shot at a relationship before and we kind of messed it up.” Jongin smiles back as he quickly uses the sleeve of his cardigan to wipe away the tears that Taemin didn’t even realize were falling. He then cups Taemin’s face between his hands and presses their foreheads together. 

“But I really don’t want to lose you, whatever happened in the past,” Jongin adds, smiling. “I guess I’m just trying to be sure enough for the both of us because I really, really, like you.”

Taemin smiles back. “I like you too. A lot.” 

Jongin then presses their lips together, a short and chaste kiss but it’s enough to spread a comforting warmth through his veins. 

“Can we start over?” Jongin asks as he slightly pushes them apart, looking at Taemin’s eyes. He’s smiling but Taemin can notice the nervousness in his voice. “I mean, I know it’s not really starting over because I guess our feelings had a head start so we kind of progressed too fast but I want to get to know you gradually. Without other spoilers.”

Taemin blinks - he’s still unsure whether he wants to know what happened between them in the past or not but the prospect of discovering more and more about Jongin  _ by himself,  _ without any influence from a memory that he no longer has anyway - yeah, he thinks he wants that too.

But still, he needs to ask. “What if we repeat the same mistake again?” 

Jongin smiles as he reaches out to tuck away a stray hair from Taemin’s forehead. “Then we’ll probably fight again,” he says, dropping a kiss to his forehead and Taemin has never felt more loved. “But I think now we’re more ready to handle a fight, right?”

“Yeah,” Taemin can’t help but chuckle at that, “we now have to live with a damaged brain so let’s resort to less dramatic ways to resolve our fights. One that does not involve trying to erase each other from our memories because I won’t ever let you forget me.”

Jongin laughs at that - his eyes sparkling with a promise of eternal sunshine and happiness as he leans down to kiss Taemin again.

“Yeah, do not allow me to forget you.”

* * *

Winter should only start next month but it’s already freezing - Jongdae wishes he could take leave and travel somewhere warmer but instead he has dozens of appointments that he had to meet until the end of the year. He scrolled through his recent chat with his partner, who is currently working on a diplomatic mission overseas and had sent him a link to redeem a ticket for a classical concert tonight. He clicks them and waits as the page loads.

It’s a ticket for a Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra concert, which Taemin is headlining as the pianist. Jongdae’s partner, a classical enthusiast, had bought it during the pre-sale because it usually sells out very fast, but now that his partner is abroad and would have to miss it, Jongdae had to go by himself.

It’s been a while since he heard anything about Taemin - before this concert, the last time he heard of him was around a month after the procedure, when he released a new project in Japan. After that, he kind of disappeared from the public eyes, only to come out last month with news that he’d be performing with the SPO for a few months until early next year. 

He looked fine, and so does Jongin, who recently became a regular cast of a popular variety show so Jongdae kind of sees him every week. He looks happy, if Jongdae may say so, but he’s an actor after all, and a very good one at that, so Jongdae wouldn’t know whether he’s truly recovered from the procedure or not.

Jongdae knows that for his own well-being, he shouldn’t be this invested in his clients, but of course he couldn’t just forget them. Even until today, he still couldn’t figure out the reason why Jongin ended up in Taemin’s memory back then, and Chanyeol had also spent a lot of his time running simulations using every possible probability but nothing led them to the answer. They even discussed it with their CEO, the actual founder of this procedure, and she said that it’s impossible unless a very specific interference bug, which they haven’t even identified yet, infected Taemin’s and Jongin’s network at the exact same time, and the probability of it happening is 0.000000001%.

So either they were (un)lucky enough to get those one in a ten billion chance, or there’s just something scientifically unexplainable interfered with the procedure.

Either way, Jongdae couldn’t help but feel a little hopeful for them. 

Even so, if in the end they’re able to move on happily with their own life without ever going back together, it’s still a good outcome. After all, the reason why he wants to work in this place in the first place is because he knows himself how difficult it is to live with regrets and there’s nothing wrong in wanting to forget unpleasant things in your life. Most of his patients had been happier after the procedures, so he can only hope that Taemin and Jongin are happier too.

“Umm Mister.” Suddenly a little girl appears beside him, bundled in a thick red scarf and an equally thick wool coat, hesitantly clutching the seam of his coat. She looks ready for christmas, even though it's still early November. And she looks like she’s about to cry. “Can you help me find my uncle?”

Jongdae smiles at her and lowers himself to a crouch beside her. “Sure, where is the last time you saw him?”

The girl smiles as she answers, “In a makeup room! But I don’t know where.” 

That makes it easier, Jongdae thinks, her Uncle must be one of the musicians from the orchestra. “Okay, I will help you to ask around. What is his name?”

“Taeminnie!” the girl smiles even brighter and Jongdae’s heart stops. “Please bring me to Taeminnie.”

Of all the people, of course it has to be him. 

But Jongdae quickly smiles again at the little girl, standing up as he offers his hand to her. “Okay, let’s go, can you hold my hand so you’re not lost again?”

“Yes!” the girl nods as she takes Jongdae’s hand. They’re currently in the assembly area in front of the music hall, and he spots a security guy who probably knows the way to Taemin’s waiting room. The guy frowns at him, asking if the little girl is really Taemin’s niece, but before he could even explain, someone is running towards them, a panicked look on his face.

It’s Kim Jongin.

“Reina!” He calls out, and the little girl suddenly releases Jongdae’s hand and runs toward him.

“Jonginnie!” she exclaims while Jongin crouches down to hug her. “I’m sorry I got lost.”

Jongdae freezes on his spot as he watches their interaction - what is Kim Jongin doing here, at Taemin’s concert? The operation was a success - he and Chanyeol had met with Jongin’s and Taemin’s managers and confirmed with them that they were both not remembering anything about each other so for Jongin to be here must’ve meant that somehow, they met each other again.

“And, ah, thank you so much for finding my niece.” Jongin suddenly talks to Jongdae and when Jongdae looks at him, he’s smiling. “I’m sorry for the trouble.”

“No problem, she’s a delightful kid.” Jongdae smiles back, relieved that Jongin doesn’t seem to recognize him. He definitely looks healthy, and happy. He hesitated a little bit, but his curiosity wins in the end as he adds, “She told me to help her found Taemin though, so I was surprised to see Kim Jongin instead.”

Jongin’s smile turns brighter and now Jongdae can clearly see his resemblance with the little girl. “Oh, do you know Taemin?” 

“No, no,” Jongdae answers, before realizing it sounds weird. “Ah, I mean, I know him of course, since I’m here to watch his concert, but I don’t personally know him.” 

“Ah, right, of course.” Jongin grins, a little bit shyly as he says, “Um, Taemin is our close acquaintance so we’re here with him.”

“Taeminnie is my uncle too.” Reina suddenly exclaims. “Jonginnie loves him so he’s also my uncle.”

Jongdae can feel the way his heart suddenly beats faster - he knows he’s been hoping for it but to hear it himself is almost unbelievable, like he now has a thousand questions he knows he’d never had a chance to ask to either of them but God, do they really fall in love again?

Jongin doesn’t even seem fazed by it as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Gosh, this again. She really goes around and tells everyone that.”

“But it is the truth! Why can’t I say that?” Reina complains, and Jongin opens his eyes to smile at her fondly.

“Yes, it’s the truth, but I’m feeling shy too, you know. What if you like someone and I tell everyone about it?” 

“It’s okay! If I like someone I want everyone to know.”

Jongin laughs at that, and Jongdae can’t help but smiles himself. Jongin looks at him again as he says, “She’s delightful indeed.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae agrees with him, “she’s really smart.”

“She is,” Jongin shifts his gaze to her again, smiling fondly at her before turning to face Jongdae again. “Sorry about that, I just want to say my thanks but you have to listen to all that embarrassing stuff.”

Jongdae smiles at him. “Not at all, I’m glad I got the chance to talk to you. I like your works.”

“Thank you.” Jongin smiles at him, “and your name is?”

“Ah, I’m Baekhyun,” Jongdae answers, saying out the first name that came to his mind. If they’re together again, chances are they heard about him already and Jongdae doesn’t want to risk Jongin remembering anything about him.

“Nice to meet you, Baekhyun,” Jongin offers his hand and Jongdae shakes it briefly. “Enjoy the concert.”

Then he walks away with the little girl, and Jongdae can almost feel the invisible weight that he didn't even realizes he'd been carrying on his shoulders just disappears. 

Love really does work in mysterious ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me so long ㅠㅠ 
> 
> no excuse really i was just mostly unable to function because NGDA is (are?) literally everything i ever wanted from an album(s) and i spent too much time crying over how perfect they were (like 2KIDS broke my heart, CRIMINAL was so cool and IDEA was truly EVERYTHING i ever wanted from taemin pls i love him so much)
> 
> but whew finally i'm done with this!! i swear i tried so hard trying to continue writing from jongin's perspective but my brain just wouldn't cooperate so i switched it to taemin's perspective. hopefully it won't ruin your experience/immersion to the story ㅠㅠ
> 
> lesson learned for me is that i just can't write taekai hating each other, not even temporarily, and whether it's my bias for them or just because it's difficult to do so while trying to stick to their personalities as close as possible i don't know why hahaha 
> 
> and yeah thanks so much for giving this story a chance and for leaving nice comments <3 hopefully i got inspired to write something again but in the meantime i hope you're enjoying NGDA as much as i do and are also excitedly anticipating KJI1! let's support taekai with all our hearts 🥰🥰🥰


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